Not What I Expected

In today’s episode, we’re diving into your questions. Listener Emily K. asks: 

Mother’s Day didn’t go quite how I expected. I’m disappointed and honestly a little shitty. How should I handle my feelings while still showing my family that I’m grateful for what they did?
 
In this very relatable conversation, Becky shares some “a-ha” moments about a past Mother’s Day that you don’t want to miss! Lacey has three recommendations for coping with and addressing experiences like this.

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Transcript

Becky North  00:06

Whether you're navigating the challenges of parenthood with a crying baby, a teenager or anything in between. Whether you have one child or a dozen, know this, we see you. We are you.

Lacey Ring-Verbik  00:19

We are modern moms and best friends with out-of-the-box kids, and we're here to cheer you on during this wild ride called motherhood.

Becky North  00:28

We show ourselves grace, build badass communities, and choose to embrace the chaos with love and humor.

Lacey Ring-Verbik  00:34

Welcome to This Flocked Up Life. Because being a mom is messy, imperfect, and pretty flock'n beautiful.

Becky North  00:54

Hey there, I hope you're having a beautiful day. I'm Becky North, and I'm here with my favorite Flamingal, Lacey Verbik. Hi, Lacey. How are you?

Lacey Ring-Verbik  01:02

I'm great. Becky, glad to be here with you today. How was your week? Well, it's been busy this this part of summer seems to always go a little sideways at my house. How about yours?

Becky North  01:15

It's been busy here to finishing a football seasons and dance seasons and all of that. But we did have the really great chance last night to because of everything going on in the solar verse. To see Aurora Borealis in our own backyard, which was super fun.

Lacey Ring-Verbik  01:33

That is amazing. It was cloud covered here in our Indianapolis studio. So we didn't get to see any of that magic. But boy, I am thankful for Facebook today, because everyone is sharing their marvelous photos.

Becky North  01:48

Yes, yes. And if you have photos, those of you who are listening, we'd love to see them. So share them with us on our Facebook page or send them in. We'd love to see the beautiful images that you captured.

Lacey Ring-Verbik  01:58

Absolutely. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, well,

Becky North  02:01

Okay, well, in today's episode, we're diving right back into your questions. And we have a question from Emily K., who asks, "Mother's Day didn't go quite how I expected. I'm disappointed and honestly a little shitty. How should I handle my feelings while still showing my family that I'm grateful for what they did?" Great question, Emily. And I think that we can all say that we've probably been there. What about you, Lacey?

Lacey Ring-Verbik  02:27

Oh, yeah, wow, is this relatable again, last week, I felt like was super relatable as well. So definitely excited to offer some thoughts here, Emily, but the first thing, you know, the first thing that comes up for me is I always have to sit with my feelings. That's something I honestly, I am sad to say I was probably about probably about 40 years old before I really understood how to do this. And the value of sitting with feelings rather than just experiencing them or letting them you know, come out as a burst of anger. And what I mean by sitting with your feelings doesn't necessarily mean physically sitting. But to you know, take a moment to actually just relax and introspect, you know, kind of go inside and experience your heart space a little bit, allow those feelings and emotions to just emerge, and potentially even then just pass right through. It's amazing how much, how much we just hold. Rather than allowed to move through, the more feelings we experience and just hold in our body. The more suffering we create for ourselves, right? Sitting in the emotion and the experience of disappointment or anger, or you no shame or guilt or frustration, the more we experienced these things and don't move through them. Don't "sit with them" in air quotation marks, the harder things become. So the first thing I would encourage you to do. Emilie is to sit with your feelings and just allow them to be and allow them to move through. You know, when I sit with feelings, a lot of times I will cry, a lot of times I will punch a pillow. You know, a lot of times I will walk it out. So literally go outside and just allow things to come as I'm walking. So it's kind of a I guess, twofold win there because you're getting your steps in and you're moving through your feelings. So how about you, Becky?

Becky North  04:43

You know Lacey? I love that you actually brought that up like that holding space and sitting with our feelings allows us to actually not hold it. Isn't that funny? Like, I don't know that I'd ever had that. I had that like literally click where you were talking about this, Sitting with them allows us to be able to just let go of them. So yeah, I agree with that completely. 

Lacey Ring-Verbik  05:04

Wonderful. Thank you. Awesome. The next suggestion I have is to write them out. This is another thing I've experimented with over the years, actually, I had a therapist, one time introduce the idea that writing actually allows us to have the expression without directing it out a person or a group of people. So writing out your disappointment, writing out your expectation, and how the expectation wasn't met, kind of just pouring into a piece of paper. You know, the difficulty in the in the upset that you have around this situation. That's the next one, you know, and gratitude. You mentioned gratitude and your question, Emily, how do I how do I still show up in gratitude, and gratitude journaling is also a technique that I've used, maybe being grateful with words, you know, isn't possible in this moment. But being grateful on paper, you know, maybe something that a tool that you can use to still be grateful still allow gratitude to flow. But you know, maybe you're not ready to have that face to face moment. Saying thank you, or, you know, sharing from your heart with those that you're feeling disappointed in right now. So gratitude journal would be another suggestion. Becky, I know you probably have a gratitude journaling practice as well. Any thoughts here?

Becky North  06:28

Yeah, sometimes when I need the big shift. Gratitude is a big thing in our house. But we do like the walk, the gratitude walk. And I just want to say, where you're just every separate thing. There's something you're grateful for. But sometimes in those moments, when we're doing that, I need to remind you that you don't have to be grateful for the big things, right? Like, you can be grateful for the big things, but it's not always those, right? So if there was one small moment, like, maybe your child came up and held your hand, or, you know, maybe they picked you a dandelion or something like that, but one small moment of gratitude, it doesn't have to be I'm grateful for my big, elaborate house and all those things. Of course, we know you're grateful for those. But sometimes, it's the small things that move us through. 

Lacey Ring-Verbik  07:11

Love that great point. You know, one other tip here would be to share with a trusted friend who loves you no matter what. And I hope that you have that person, Emily, in your life. I certainly do. And I'm on the I'm on a podcast with her right this very minute. And she sees me at my worst, and loves me through it. So if you have someone in your life, who is that for you, then you know that would be my third suggestion is to talk through your shitty feelings, talk through the disappointment. Tell that person why this was hard. Tell that person why your feelings are hurt. Let them witness you in a way that clears this from your spirit. Sometimes, all we need is to be seen and heard. And the person who you trust your heart with hopefully that's your spouse, partner, et cetera. But it can also be that soul friend. That's kind of where I head first when I'm having a moment like this, you know, say with my kids or my husband, or my family Becky's the first one I call. So hope that helps. Becky I think you'd like to jump in and share here for Emily's question.

Becky North  08:37

Um, you know, first, can I just normalize that? I think a lot more moms might feel this than we care to maybe admit out loud. Have you been in this club? This disappointed on Mother's Day club Lacey? 

Lacey Ring-Verbik  08:50

Oh, many, many years. But I will say that my husband, I grow in understanding every year. I become less upset every year because I think I I think I see more and more of his humanity. Every year we're together. We've been married almost 21 years now.

Becky North  09:17

Congratulations. 

Lacey Ring-Verbik  09:19

Thank you. And I think early on, I received it as intentional malice, I received it as well. You didn't even try. You don't love me. You didn't think about me. You're lazy. Right, and on and on and on. And now, you know that. I recognize that, that he's human and he's doing the very best he can and he comes from love every single day in his way. And Mother's Day is Mother's Day is just another day. But he he really does try I'd have facilitate an experience for me every single year. And I feel super blessed by that. But oh, there have been many, many years where I thought, what is all this for? Why? Why am I doing this if I'm not being loved and celebrated and recognized today, but you know, I invite you to consider the all the ways that you are being celebrated and loved and seen, you know, each and every week, and each and every day of the year, because Mother's Day is just that day.

Becky North  10:36

Man, that was profound. Thank you for sharing that. 

Lacey Ring-Verbik  10:38

Oh, thank you. 

Becky North  10:40

It definitely brought something up for me about the we're different, right? We're different than our partners, even if, even if you're married to somebody who is a lot like you. Our love languages are different. We show up differently, we show love differently.

Lacey Ring-Verbik  10:57

So what the flap are you waiting for, hit the Follow button and become part of our growing flock. Because let's face it, it'll be fun. And you're worth it.

Becky North  11:10

I remember a Mother's Day that was heartbreaking for me if I'm honest. And I don't know that I've ever actually shared this story super publicly, but here we go. 

Lacey Ring-Verbik  11:24

Thank you for being willing.

Becky North  11:27

But I love to shower the people I love with love. And I love to do that. And I married into a very amazing family, I would just go and try to go so above and beyond for Mother's Day because I felt so blessed to have two amazing bonus parents because my husband's parents have split and both remarried. And so two amazing bonus moms, I would try to coordinate big gifts, my husband comes from a very big family and like with everybody involved, and all of the kids and all of the grandkids and let's create a meal and just make the stay super, super special for them. Because that is my love language, right? Like, that's how I wrap people I love in love. I want to show up and I want to be big and I want them to see how important they are to me. And I remember having this beautiful day and making sure that the bonus mom's, mother in laws and all of that had gifts and that my own mom had a gift. And at the end of the day, I was just tired and exhausted. And I remember sitting literally in the shower with it on and just crying a little to myself because I was like this is my day to

Lacey Ring-Verbik  12:49

Yes.

Becky North  12:52

I told my husband several months later that he was a crappy gift giver. Because because he had given me something homemade from the kids. And don't get me wrong. I love homemade. I love those memories. I love that. But it didn't. In that moment. It didn't feel intentional. It felt like an afterthought. Right? 

Lacey Ring-Verbik  13:13

Oh, yeah. 

Becky North  13:14

But now that I'm sharing this story out loud, and I've grown a lot since that girl, right? I think it's because of I made myself feel like an afterthought. Not necessarily that the gift was an afterthought.

Lacey Ring-Verbik  13:29

Oh, I have goosebumps all over Becky. Wow. Why realization?

Becky North  13:35

Yeah, who I have them too. but that whole day I pushed and I shoved and I created a beautiful experience that I could have just immersed myself in. And instead I chose to see myself as the one pulling the puppet strings. And then at the end of the day I was like But what about me. 

Lacey Ring-Verbik  13:54

To use your favorite phrase, the trademark Becky phrase you were "in the in it" right? You were you were too much in the in it that day.

Becky North  14:04

I was in the Senate. And let's be honest that it took 10 years and this podcast for me to realize that like right now today is when that realization came to me about this. And there was some shame for me around that feeling. And I can see now that that shame. That was me being ashamed of me. That wasn't Oh, I don't love that they gave me a homemade gift or Oh, the day wasn't about me because it was just as much about me. I want to just go back to kind of Lacey to what you said about, like, checking in with your feelings. Finding the root of why. So you have these feelings. But what's the why? If you haven't, haven't heard of the five why's it's not always five sometimes it's seventeen. I want to be really clear, but, like the you, keep asking why until you get to the root cause. Oh, I'm up sat well, why are you upset? Well, I'm upset because I don't feel like I got celebrated. Well, why don't you feel like you're not celebrated? And you just keep going and keep going. You keep going until you get to the root of why, for example, and the story I just shared, I didn't make myself a priority that day. How could anybody else possibly make me a priority? If I didn't make myself a priority?

Lacey Ring-Verbik  15:21

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Becky North  15:25

And I'm not saying that that's what you did or didn't do, Emily. But I am saying, like Lacey said, check in with your feelings and know that you like find the root of why. And it's okay to say, hey, I want to be recognized, because everybody wants to be recognized. Everybody wants to be recognized. And being a parent, and specifically being a mom, right? Because I'm not a dad. So I can't speak to what being a dad is like, right? But it does take all of it out of you, right, and you want somebody to see you.

Lacey Ring-Verbik  16:05

100%, 

Becky North  16:06

So to Emily, and to Lacey and to my own mother, and to my mother in law's and to my bonus mother in law, and to all of my girlfriends listening to this podcast, and to you, the person who I may never have met, but you've joined our beautiful community, you are doing an amazing job. You're doing a great job. And everyday may not feel like a win. But every day there is one. And you are helping to mold the future of our world. And I don't take that lightly. And I know Lacey doesn't either.

Lacey Ring-Verbik  16:43

Amen. Yes. And we see you, and we celebrate you. I know, we said that. And we said that a little earlier in the, in the episode that we see you and we are you, but we're celebrating you. If no one else is, we are, we're proud of you. 

Becky North  17:00

We're proud of you and keep showing up, keep showing up for you. Right and, and saying that for you. And so, Emily, just the last thing that I'm going to say to the point here is that after you've done all of the things that we've talked about, and Lacey had some really great tips in there. And I know I keep jumping back to them. But like and you found at the heart of why and you've, you've celebrated gratitude, and that I would say, be willing to have the hard conversation, be willing to sit down with your spouse or significant other or partner or whoever that is, and have the conversation about how you felt today? And what may maybe what you'd like to see different in the future. Because I cannot expect my husband to read my mind. Oh, yeah, as much as I wish she could.

Lacey Ring-Verbik  17:50

That would be my favorite. And you know, and Becky, you're so right about having that conversation. But I would also encourage you to have the conversation when you feel ready. Don't let someone force you into having a conversation. When you feel off center. When you are still angry. It's really important that you enter into that conversation on your, on your time and on your terms. And a technique I learned back in my corporate days was was the sandwich technique, which I'm sure you've you may have heard in other contexts, but it's about saying something good. And then saying something hard, and then saying something good. So sandwiching the bad with good, right, two pieces of good bread, and the pain and the bad peanut butter in the middle. Okay, I love food. So, hence the food analogy anyway. So fine, you know, finding joy in the little things and the little moments that went right. And talking about that first and last, and then saying that difficult thing in the middle if need be.

Becky North  18:54

Yes, Lacey. That's a great point and a great way to be able to have those conversations. And so, Emily, just at the end of the day, I would say, again, you're doing a great job, and we see you and we're celebrating you and I'm sorry, the day didn't go exactly like you thought it would. I would just say strive really hard to make tomorrow, just an amazing day. Like you can be in control of that. And you can say, You know what I want to redo we're gonna re celebrate today and you can celebrate on your terms.

Lacey Ring-Verbik  19:25

We so appreciate your question, Emily, and best wishes to you for a beautiful day tomorrow. And Thanks, Becky for being here with me today. I so enjoyed our conversation, and we'll see you next time.