What Makes Me Special?

In today’s episode, we’re diving into your questions. Listener Stacey B. asks: 

My daughter has many friends who have discovered things they're good at such as art, gymnastics, and cheerleading. She's feeling discouraged and asked me what makes me special? Have you experienced this? If yes, do you have advice on how to help my daughter with her question?

In this sweet mother-daughter episode, listen to some heartfelt advice from Lacey and Becky. We discuss the importance of having fun, following your sparkle, the power of positive affirmations, and being uniquely you. 

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becky@thisflockeduplife.com

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Transcript

Becky North: 0:06

Whether you're navigating the challenges of parenthood with a crying baby, a teenager or anything in between. Whether you have one child or a dozen, know this, we see you. We are you.

Lacey Ring-Verbik: 0:19

We are modern moms and best friends with out-of-the-box kids, and we're here to cheer you on during this wild ride called motherhood.

Becky North: 0:28

We show ourselves grace, build badass communities, and choose to embrace the chaos with love and humor.

Lacey Ring-Verbik: 0:34

Welcome to This Flocked Up Life. Because being a mom is messy, imperfect, and pretty flock'n beautiful. Hey there, I hope you're having a beautiful day. I'm Lacey Verbick, and I'm here with my favorite slimming gal. Becky north. How are you Becky?

Becky North: 1:05

Pretty, great. How are you Lacey?

Lacey Ring-Verbik: 1:07

I'm doing great. Also, I have had a week. Oh, hard week. I've been sick. And just, you know, burning it at both ends. It feels like but I'm feeling much better today. So if you notice my voice is a little a little off. That's why how about you tell me about your week?

Becky North: 1:25

Yeah, it's been a little bit of a crazy week in our house. Lots of things going on as we wrap up, what is the end of the spring season. Rolling right into summer. And you know, with three kids, we stay very, very busy. So excited for a little bit of downtime this weekend. And excited to be here with you.

Lacey Ring-Verbik: 1:47

Oh, me too, as always. So, in today's episode, we're diving into your questions. We have a question from Stacey B. She asks, My daughter has many friends who have discovered things they're good at, such as art, gymnastics, and cheerleading. She's feeling discouraged and asked me, "What makes me special?" Have you experienced this? If so, do you have any advice on how to help my daughter with her question? Oh, this is a good one. Becky, I'll let you take it away.

Becky North: 2:21

Yeah, I want to just say first before saying anything else, man I feel this in my soul, like, deep down in the inner being of who I am. And Cece, I want to just take a second to acknowledge you and what a great relationship that you must have with her for her to be able to come to you and say these things because that's really, really vulnerable and big and scary. As an adult, much less not an adult. And yeah, so, way to go, mama, for creating such a safe space for her to have those questions and be able to bring them to you. And the very first thing that comes up for me I do with my own children. And I know Lace, you, you have got to witness this when I am talking to my children, but we do affirmations very, very frequently. I try really hard just to pour into them in those moments, and we have them hung up in our house, but we also, when we hang up the phone if we're not together, we do these short affirmations, and one of them that I wanted to share with you Stacy that I tell my kids and myself if I'm honest, is that "You are uniquely you and you are making your biggest impact in the world."

Lacey Ring-Verbik: 3:48

Yes, I love these. Ah, I love all of the things I've ever heard you say to your children, Becky, you pour into them in such a beautiful way.

Becky North: 3:56

Well, thank you, thank you for that. But I would start there, Stacy, with your daughter and just reminding her that she is uniquely her. She's the only her in the entire world. Nobody else can be her. And we all find our things at different points in our life.

Lacey Ring-Verbik: 4:21

Yes, ma'am. Yes.

Becky North: 4:23

And it's not the same for everybody. And I think I remember being in school and feeling very much like this, like, oh goodness, what is it for? For me? When am I going to find that thing that I'm really good at? It was hard. It was a hard, hard time of life trying to find that. And I can look back now and say part of what I'm good at today, which I'm going to share here in just a second. I was already doing then, without even knowing.

Lacey Ring-Verbik: 5:00

Whoo, I can't wait to hear what is it?

Becky North: 5:02

Yes. So I was actually just legitimately this morning having a conversation with my son about how he wants to be seen in the world. I talked about, you know, people's different mentalities for that. And here in our house, we believe that you be in the new do and have comes naturally. And what I mean by that is I gave the example that one of my core values as a person is to be somebody who shows up and builds meaningful relationships with people. And let's every person that I come in contact with know that they have somebody in their corner. That is a fundamental belief for me. And I have been saying that for years and years and years, even before I had this idea of Be Do Have, right? And so if I'm choosing that, that's who I want to be, then my do the things that I'm actively doing have to align with that. Or not have to, but get to align with that. And I didn't know this then. But I was already doing that. I was already showing up and supporting the people that I loved. And I may not have been great at cheerleading, and I may have stunk really bad at German and, and all of those things, but I was already being that person. And so I think that the last thing I would really just say is, like, remind that sweet, beautiful girl that she's already shining. She is all ready, shining. And whether she sees it or not, she's already having a huge, amazing impact on the world. And that today, she can decide who she wants to be in tomorrow. She can change your mind if she wants to write, but that she, like I said before, is the only her. She is the only one who gets to define what greatness is for her. And she should stand firm and being unapologetically who she is.

Lacey Ring-Verbik: 7:19

Oh, yes, yes, yes. I love it. And it is a girl's prerogative to change her mind. Yeah, huh. That's amazing, Becky, I love that. And along the lines of, you know, being able to change her mind, Stacy, one suggestion I have is invite her to draw it out. Invite her to draw out what is it that lights her up what sport or, activity or hobby is ideal for her right now. Try to help her see that, you know, the more she focuses on her dreams, desires, the things that light her up, the closer those things can come right when we focus on not having a thing we focus on, not, you know, being good at something, when we focus on not being at the same level as our friends, we get more of that, right, we get more frustration, we get further away from it energetically, the best way to help her is to invite her to, you know, really explore what lights her up and do more with that, you know, write it on the wall, draw a picture, hang it up, visualize with it daily, you know, stay with it daily, and really let it kind of land if you will, quote-unquote, land really, you know, settle in to, you know, to her heart and to her desires and to her vision, you know of who she is and who she wants to be.

Becky North: 8:44

Yes, I love that, like the idea of almost visually painting that there. Every day is a new canvas and you get to paint on it.

Lacey Ring-Verbik: 8:53

Oh, I'm following your own spark. You know, this is something that a coach told me many years ago, she said, you know, taught she encouraged me to talk out some things that I was going through. And she just listened. And at one point, she said Stop right there. And I stopped. And I thought it was a little strange how abruptly she stopped me. And she said, right there. She said that's the spark. That thing she heard it in my voice. It was a change in my tone. It was a change in my inflection. It was a smile that came over my face. And she could hear it in my voice, and she said that that's it. So you know, Mama, maybe encourage her to to just talk and listen, really listen to the vibe, the energy around her words, really listen and help her hone in on what that thing is by trying to hear that spark. There are things that light us up. Right, there are things that are meant for us, if you will, And when she touches on that thing, you will hear it, you'll hear a change, you'll hear a shift. It was so notable that my coach and I like we sat for five minutes, just in awe of the fact that that that had come out just then in that way because it was something that I had struggled to define for, well, forever. And when we just allow ourselves to kind of get in the feeling of what we dream about or what we desire, it sometimes shows up in unexpected ways. So just, you know, following that spark, helping her uncover the spark would be my would be another suggestion. Becky, any thoughts on that?

Becky North: 10:42

Yeah, I love that. And I will say, like, just, I'll tap into exactly what Lisa was saying. But when she's talking it out and thinking it out, maybe even on her own, just really encourage her to listen to her, her mind, and her body. Because I think Lisa, you would probably agree with this. Once you start becoming a little more in tune with that, you feel the shift. When you find that spark, it feels different in your body. Right? Yeah, even a little more, you get a little more excited

Lacey Ring-Verbik: 11:13

Absolutely. The other thing I wanted to about it. share is there is no right timeline sweet girl. And Becky touched on this earlier, there is no right timeline. You get to take your time. Be open and curious, and walk through this world with joy and awe, and wonder. And the thing that you desire will come to you the more that you are in that space. And don't. Don't be in a hurry. Well, why have I been in a hurry my whole life? And now I'm gonna get emotional. But I've been in a hurry my whole life. And I promise you take your time. Sit with your desires. And be patient with yourself. Okay?

Becky North: 12:07

Yes, I love that. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. Lacey. I think sometimes we we are in such a hurry as people to just get to the next thing and do the next thing that we miss out on the now as Stacey, I don't know how old your daughter is or where she is in life or any of that. But she's got a lot of now, right now. And a lot of time to be a kid before. All the grown-ups, things slow down. Take your time. I know it seems so exciting that you just want to get to the next thing. But this thing right now. Its greatness. Whether or not you can see it. It is.

Lacey Ring-Verbik: 12:52

Oh, I love, I love this conversation. Goodness, I can't believe I got so I got so emotional. But thank you for the question, Stacy. And thank you for bringing, you know, thank you for bringing this conversation forward for all the other moms and all the other daughters out there. I did want to I wanted to share one more thing, actually, maybe a couple more things. I'm kind of on a roll. Sure, a couple more things. One thing I've learned really recently that I'm I'm sort of this I'm shocked and disappointed in myself that I didn't really embrace it up until now. But I do now. And that is to have fun and be in the energy of fun. And when you are in the energy of fun, all the pieces will fall into place. So, what is that one thing right now? That you that you and your daughter could do for fun? Or your daughter could do by herself for fun? What is that one thing? And it doesn't have to be anything crazy or profound, right? It could be a walk in the park, it could be playing with a dog, it could be painting a picture, it could be swimming in a pool, right? Doing more things in the energy of fun, brings fun back to you. It helps all the other things, all the other questions, all the other concerns and considerations to fall into place when we are in the energy and the vibe of fun. And there's no better time to be in the energy of fun than this summer when we can play outside, when we can be in the sunshine, when we have beautiful weather generally, here in the Midwest, where our studios are located. But you know, being an energy of fun, it's so important. And when I first heard it, I thought I thought oh, that's silly. I'm an adult. I don't have fun. And I honestly sort of dismissed it. The first time I heard the coach say this. And then I did a simple thing, and I went to the circus when I saw an advertisement for the circus, and I said I needed to have more fun. My coach just told me to go have more fun. I'm gonna go have fun at the circus, and I bought tickets right that instant. And I went to the circus with my son and my husband. My daughter was on After College at that point, went to the circus, and I had so much fun on so many levels that I was convinced that that was it. I'm convinced forevermore that being in that energy of fun is the way to find more fun. That's the way to uncover that energy everywhere in our daily lives, and that the more we allow ourselves to have fun and lean into fun, the more fun we create. And so, you know, I would just encourage you, sweet girl, to try to find the fun, right? Have fun with your mama. Mamas love to have fun with their baby girls, too.

Becky North: 15:40

I love that. And let's say, and if you're like, I don't know how to be spontaneous and have fun, let me give you

one more suggestion: 15:45

Lacey, you had a million, and I love that. But go dance in the rain the next time it's raining. Just go and embrace that very little girl in both of you and just dance in the rain and let go of everything else. I promise it will be an experience that you will remember forever.

Lacey Ring-Verbik: 16:06

I did that with my daughter recently. And oh, gosh, it was so special. And she, you know what? She took the lead. She invited me to dance in the rain. Yeah. And it is it was so special. It was so cold. But we didn't even care. We didn't even care. We just laughed; we just laughed our way through it because it was calling back to just a moment ago; it was in the spirit of fun. Right. And so it's one of my favorite memories because it was in the spirit of fun. I had another thought as I was reviewing the question again, Stacey, one of the pieces of your question was about, you know, all of her peers who are so good at art and gymnastics, and cheerleading, and sports and those types of things. And, you know, I remember when I was growing up, I had a lot of friends who were also kind of also found their thing early or seemed to find their thing early, earlier than me. And as I got older and spent, you know, more or less time with those people, what I actually figured out is that a lot of those kids didn't even want to do the things that they were doing, that it was kind of a show, you know, a lot of the engagement that these young people were having in these activities were prompted by their parents, or even forced by their parents, and I'm not shaming parents here, because parenting is very hard work, right. And we want nothing but the best for our children. But a lot of these kids, you know, were engaged in the things that they were engaged in, not because of their own personal love of a thing or desire for a thing, but because it was introduced by their parents or it was required by their parents, right. So sometimes, sometimes, you know, what you're seeing is not the whole story. And don't modify your behavior based on something that may just be a surface-level observation. Right, follow your joy. And, you know, walk your own path, pave your own way. Because you don't know, you don't sometimes don't know the whole story.

Becky North: 18:22

That was very profound. And sometimes those people are doing it because their parents asked them to, because their parents want them to. And not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that. Right. But it may not be the thing that brings them joy.

Lacey Ring-Verbik: 18:38

I mean, I've been in that position as a mother, my son is my son is one of those young people who's not particularly excited about much He loves his computers and his video games and things. But in terms of, you know, sports or being on teams or things like that, we've really had to take the lead there; we've really had to, you know, prompt him in, in some cases, force a little bit, you know, the engagement in certain things just to see if it's something that he could love just to see if it's something that resonates with him, you know, something that he would enjoy, for example, we got him involved in martial arts. We went to a local gym and got him involved in what's called Muay Thai, kickboxing, and jujitsu, and got him involved in. And at first, it was very forced, and he was angry with us. And we had a lot of resistance and conflict around that. And then, you know, as he went through a class or two, we made an agreement with him that we would only do three classes and introductory three classes. And the first two classes, he, you know, came away from the class angry with us and still kind of holding that grudge that we put him in that position, and he did not seem to enjoy it, and I felt pretty helpless. I was like, ah, gosh, this isn't going to work either. And then by the third class, he had made a friend, and he came out of the class just shining like a beacon. You know, his cup was so filled with this activity and the fact that he could be social and the fact that he had connected with someone his age who was like-minded that he stayed at that gym for years after that, prompting and exposing our children to things that they may not be excited about right out of the gate. I mean, you know, I think it's, it can be good. Becky, I know you've three very different children. So, what's your experience been like with that?

Becky North: 20:36

I was gonna say the same thing we have. Our oldest son is a little a little more introverted, a lot like your son. And we, on a whim a couple of years ago, joined the summer bowling league for kids. And I never ever thought that bowling would be the thing. But it was like, Oh, this is something to do write like, something to try. And holy cow, it is his thing. And, you know, Lacey, kind of like you talked about, like finding that spark. He is up at, like, 5 am on bowling days; he is ready to go. He wears like the same outfit every day to bully. And he has watched videos and done a lot because it really brings him a lot of joy. And so yeah, and he's getting better and better and better and better and better every time. But he didn't even want to do that. Actually, joined that League the same year he broke his arm. And he had gotten his cast off the same day that that summer league started, he did not want to do it. And now he is like, can we bowl every day like he would go bowling every day if we so, but then I have another little girl who is like, I want to do all of the things because she has some serious FOMO. If she sees somebody else doing it, she thinks she will just love that. Let me do all the things. So, you know, every child is different. But yeah, I think sometimes we do need to say as parents, and that's why I was like, I don't think that's necessarily bad. We have to open the door and maybe push them through a little, just like the mama bird pushes her baby out of the nest; we get to show up for them and challenge their boundaries to see what does light a fire in them.

Lacey Ring-Verbik: 22:23

Yes, absolutely. Wow. You know, another thing. Another thing I wanted to share quickly, Stacey, about your question here is encourage your daughter to encourage your daughter to consider her thoughts in the direction of her thoughts. So, you know, she's feeling discouraged and wondering what makes her special and having, you know, these thoughts of lack and disappointment and, you know, not fitting in and those sorts of things, you know, help her be aware of those thoughts and the direction of those thoughts. Because when we have negative thoughts, we get more of the thing we're in of the energy of our thought, right? We get more negativity; when we're in a pattern of negative thinking, we get more negativity; when we're in a pattern of positive thinking, we get more positive. And so instead of sitting in stirred discouraged feelings, or sitting with the question of, I'm not special, you know, everyone else is special, that sort of thing, you know, encourage her to ask questions, such as I am a vibrant, bright light in this world who loves XYZ thing, and I am closer than ever to finding my thing. Speaking things out in that way. And like Becky said, you know, using the using affirmations, and practicing those affirmations daily, you know, will bring bring her into a state of positive creativity. Right, where again, it's kind of like being in the energy of fun when the more we're in those mindsets in zones, if you will, that the more good things come, the more the things we would love can come to us right are attracted. And Stacey one more quick point here before we go. I know I've had a lot of points today, but I guess that's good. That's good for your question. I wanted to say to your sweet daughter in answer to her question about what makes me special. Nothing makes you special. You are special, your being here, your beingness, your presence alone is special. That's all I have to share for today, Becky.

Becky North: 24:44

Thank you again so much, Stacy, for this beautiful question and for the beautiful conversation that it opened up. I hope that it opens up some beautiful conversations for you and your daughter. And so I just didn't get to leave on a very beautiful Lisa Frank quote that I heard recently that I just feel so fitting for this moment. That is, "In a world where you can be anything. Be yourself and sparkle." Okay. Have a great week, everybody. We'll talk to you soon.