Flock You Mom Guilt!

In today’s episode, we’re diving into your questions. Listener Tegan T. asks:
"Mom Guilt! How to handle it, when you just can't be and do all the things at once?"

It’s about flock’n time we let go of mom guilt, all the “shoulds” and “have-to’s” that come with being a mom. Instead, let’s focus on what’s really important: filling our cups, asking for help, and being intentional about using the time we do have. 

We'd love to hear from you! Reach out to us.
lacey@thisflockeduplife.com
becky@thisflockeduplife.com

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Transcript

0:06

Whether you're navigating the challenges of parenthood with a crying baby, a teenager, or anything in between, whether you have one child or a dozen, know this, we see you, we are you. We are modern moms and best friends with out-of-the-box kids, and we're here to cheer you on during this wild ride called motherhood. We show ourselves grace, build badass communities, and choose to embrace the chaos with love and humor. Welcome to This Flocked Up Life, because being a mom is messy, imperfect, and pretty flockin' beautiful. Hey there, I hope you're having a beautiful day. I'm Becky North, and I'm here with my favorite flamingo, Laci Virbick. Hey Laci, how are you this week? Oh great, Becky, how about you? I am doing good, enjoying the warm weather and the beautiful sunshine. It was lovely today. It was. In today's episode, we're diving into your questions. We have a question from Tegan T. She asks, mom guilt, how do you handle it when you just can't be and do all the things at once? Man, this topic, mom guilt, it hits hard for me. I know, Laci, we've talked about this quite a bit, so I'm gonna let you jump in first. Oh my gosh, well, yeah, I just was thinking how timely and fresh this is for me, and in my life, and on my mind. Because as you know, Becky started doing a little something for me, and getting back into some community theater productions that I used to do many, many moons ago. And I've been away from my family for four weeks now, and there's another week yet to go. And while it's been a lot of fun, I'm certainly having some of those feelings of guilt, and wanting to be with them more, and not being able to find a little bit more balance there. So definitely fresh and timely for me, Tegan. So thanks so much for writing to us today. So let's jump right in here. My first thought was, is it a should? Is mom guilt the result of a should? You know, do we believe we should feel guilty, or do we actually feel guilty? You know, that was the first thing that came up for me. Because I think there's some shoulding happening in my world. I think I believe that other mothers experience this, and therefore I should experience this. I believe that I learned this from my mother, and perhaps even, you know, she learned it from her mother. Yeah, I've just been thinking a lot about that. Like, is it really mine? Or is it just a belief that I was handed, or that I'm stuck in, that we should be guilty? Because really, you know, practicing self-care, and doing things that are fun for us, and selecting experiences, and finding opportunities to fill our own cup, that really shouldn't lead to guilt, should it? Yes, thank you for saying that. Like, I know that you guys don't know this, but Lacey and I don't see each other's notes. Like, we write notes, and then we come, and we just have the conversation for you guys. And that is on my notes. Yes! On my notes. So, are we taking on the guilt? Because the world, or like you said, maybe generations before us, told us that we should. If we put the should aside, like, is it really that your kids are like, oh, mom, you're not doing all the things? Or your husband's like, oh, you're not doing all the things? Because I would bet, in most situations, that's not the case. 100%. I love it that our notes are the same sync. That's so fun, Becky. I love that too. I wrote in big letters in my notes, ask for help. And this is not something that I've, I can say I'm very good at. I like to try to do it all. Spin all the plates myself. The truth of the matter is, that's not good for me. It's not good for anybody, really. It's so important that we allow others to help us, and that we are willing to say, I need help when this situation arises, when there is a time. We have to be willing to ask. And, you know, pride gets in the way, right? Ego gets in the way. You know, sometimes moms have really, you know, constructed their whole identity around being the center of a solar system, if you will. I heard someone relate managing a family and raising children as a solar system, and that the mother is the center of the solar system. And while that sounded profound and magnificent in the moment, when I actually got to think about the gravity of that, the weight of being the center of a solar system, all of a sudden it felt really icky, and hard, and heavy. And I was like, wow, center of the solar system. It turns out that that's not really a healthy place for most of us to be. And so ask for help when you need it, really. And don't give it another second thought after that, because we all need help sometimes. And we want, as mothers, I want at least for my children to witness me ask for help, right? Because what am I teaching them if I don't show up that way? I'm teaching them that they should try to do it all too. And that's just not realistic. Becky, any thoughts? Goodness, we're so in sync. Yes, ask for help. I think I have this affirmation that I've taped up on my desk that says, not only is it okay to ask for help, but I deserve help. Oh, I love that. And it's really powerful. It spoke to me. It's taped where I can see it every day. And I just want to remind any mom who's listening right now that, first of all, you just can't do it all by yourself. You can't. It's not doable. All of the things that we pile on our list don't ever get done. The list is always growing. But help does not make you weak. It quite literally makes you stronger. It's something or somebody that's coming in to reinforce you. I love that. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you any less. It just makes you stronger. That's such a great mindset shift that it isn't actually weakness. It's strength. I love that. Beautiful Becky. I made a note. What would happen if you just don't try? What would happen? Really ask yourself that. Would the world come crashing down? Would your house catch on fire? I mean, what potential havoc is there if you just don't try to do it all? Now that doesn't mean you sit down and watch soap operas and eat bonbons all day. But what would happen if you just didn't try to take it all on? And I've been unpacking some of these sorts of things the last few years. And what I've realized sometimes is that the trying, the intensity, the consistent thoughts of it's not enough. I didn't do enough. I have to work harder. The energy of grit and grind and lack and all of those things actually created more of that. Whereas if I just said, it's okay that I can't do all the things or I'm choosing not to do all the things today that I can just keep walking through my day with open hands, with an open heart, with an understanding of my own humanness and an acceptance of the fact that it's okay. Not to try to do it all, all the time. I agreed. I could not agree with that statement more. And it was one that I had written down. I said, what if it doesn't all get done? What if today that doesn't happen? It's crazy to me how synchronized we are on this, but okay, I'm just going to say it. Nobody gives a flock if it all gets done or not. Nobody cares. Nobody cares, right? Listen, if you think people are judging you, they are. Who cares? Shake it off, mama. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because at the end of the day, your kids and even you, you're not going to remember if there were dishes in the sink or if the yard didn't get mowed today, even though it probably really needed to or any of that. You're going to remember on Talk Like a Pirate Day, we always went to Krispy Kreme and talked like the pirate to get free donuts. Those are the things that are going to be remembered, right? And I know that that's silly and it's crazy and it's out there, but like, oh, it's so true. Like nobody cares. Nobody gives a flock if it all happens or not. Nobody, not even the people in your house. Yes, girl. Absolutely. I love that so much. Nobody gives a flock. And what if we gave a flock less, right? What if we cared a little less? Because our children are going to have to grow up. They're going to have to live outside the orbit of our solar system at some point. And they're going to have to create their own experiences and their own home and their own entertainment and their own friendships and families. And if we make everything perfect for them, they may grow up with a profound sense of disappointment and maybe incapability even. They might grow up and say, well, I can't do what my mom did, so I must be a massive failure. Or my life doesn't look like my mom and dad's life. What if I'm not right? What if there's something wrong with me, right? Could you imagine contributing to a mental health issue for our children down the road just because we had to hold up all the things? I, well, I hate that idea. I don't know about you, Becky. Yeah. Man, that punches you in the gut a little. Right? Oh boy. You know, I do have one suggestion for you, Tegan. And I've done this a little bit. And I know it sounds like we're adding one more thing to the list of all the things. But my suggestion would be to journal about guilt. When it comes up, journal about, today I was at the grocery store and I felt X, Y, Z way because of X, Y, Z thing. Or my friend made me feel mom guilt because of X, right? Or this circumstance or event led me to feel guilty. Write those things out and kind of express them on paper. And then as you go through life and hopefully this sense of guilt intrudes less and less, you can look back at this journal someday and be like, all right, I see. I see a trend here. You know, I feel guilty when it's related to family or I feel guilty when it's related to work or I feel guilty when I tell people no. You might start to really see some things in there. And that's how I like to learn about myself. I guess that's my process for self-development and self-awareness is to write it down and then be able to look back on it as I'm growing and changing and say, wow, what can I learn from what I've documented for myself? So what the flap are you waiting for? Hit the follow button and become part of our growing flock because let's face it, it'll be fun and you're worth it. Well, Teagan, I would like to say, I think I won't say all moms, but I think most moms, I think I can say most moms here start their day or week or month with some kind of a list, this perpetual to-do list. Oh, yes. I mean, there are powerful things about like marking off the list, but one of the tips I want to just start off with because this has really changed my life was I don't even remember where I heard it from, but I heard somebody be like, never make a list that's longer than a normal size post-it note. Ooh, never heard that. When I first heard that, I like probably really laughed out loud because my lists were always longer than a normal size post-it note, but like we are humans and there are limits to what we can do. There are only so many hours and so many minutes in a day and we have not figured out how to pause time. And if you do, please let me know, right? Like it would be really helpful, but we haven't. And so realistically, I can accomplish what's on a post-it note. These are my have-tos. The other things may be on a list somewhere else, but my have-tos for the day. And so that's that one thing really truly changed a lot of things for me. So I would just encourage you to go get some fun post-it notes and look at what are all of the things and then really say like, okay, but what of these really have to be done? Because there are have-tos on our list as parents. We all have them. Like we have to make sure our kids eat, right? Like there may be commitments that are not negotiable that we have to lean into, but just put the have-tos on the list. I will say for me, it actually was a huge shift because I started seeing myself get more done because I wasn't crippled by the list. Ah, brilliant. Because the list felt obtainable, right? Because it wasn't all the things. It's just the post-it note. Just the post-it note. So yeah, any thoughts there, Lacey? That's a great tip, Becky. Yeah, I love that. I mean, so related to that, I was going to add that I use a tool called Cozy. It's an app. You know, everybody's got their smartphones, but it's an app and I love Cozy. It's a very inexpensive little subscription. And one of my favorite parts of it is that it has to-do list features, you know, as well as calendars and shopping lists and all sorts of other things that moms need to run households. But it has a shared list. That is my place for our house. That is my place to add things I need help with, things that other people need to come together and contribute to getting done. So I am asking for help, right? But I'm asking for it sort of in a passive way, like here, I'm putting these things on the list. And then when we get up, say on a Saturday morning, we look at that shared list and we say, okay, who's responsible for this, this, this, and this? I love that. And then of course, I have my own running list. That's mine, right? The shared list at least gives my family an opportunity to track, you know, what the family responsibilities look like, you know, kind of from a comprehensive viewpoint. And it gives them a chance to chip in, right? If your kids have smartphones, they can have the Cozy app on there. They're a part of the family. You know, you can assign it. They can check things off. Cozy has a lot of neat features, I think, for family management. But the shared list is one of my favorites that relates to this. That, as we said earlier, Tegan, what if you just didn't do all the things, right? What if instead maybe you poured some energy into creating a shared list so that people can pitch in and, you know, make life easier? Yes, I love that. And we have Cozy too. Of course you do. Of course we do. I love Cozy. But along those same lines, Tegan, and the list and that, and I know that, Lacey, you already talked about like asking for help, and we really hit on that, but I'm going to circle back to it because I think it's so, so important. Like I grew up on a self-sustaining farm and we all had a job and we had to do that job or the farm didn't keep running. And so that instilled something in me even as a child. And in our home, we talk a lot about that, how we are a team. We are a unit. And it takes every person to help make sure the unit runs. That without every person helping and pitching in and doing the thing, it takes every person to help make sure the unit runs. So my opinion, and this is not everybody's opinion, but it is mine, is that kids can, and in my opinion, should be helping in the house. My kids even do their own laundry because when they, like you said, Lacey, when they grow up and they move out, I need to know that they're not going to be wearing dirty underwear. I need to know that that is true. And they probably still will, but you know, we can go. I'm gonna, no, but we like, yeah, it just takes a team. It takes a team. And every single person in your house is a part of that team. And so it doesn't and shouldn't all fall on you. And sometimes that means having tough conversations in your house, because I know that for me, like I was saying at the beginning of this, you know, I took a lot of that on, on my own and was just like, no, I've got it. When in reality, I didn't. Like, I mean, I did for a little bit, but then all of the it's catch up to you and like coming and saying, hey, I need help. I need support. I want to be more present. And in order to do that, I need you to step in and pull weight. Like even my kids understand that conversation. Yes. Super important. I love that, Becky, as always, you know, it just occurred to me that one of the most helpful things I think I've done to cope with mom guilt is to have real conversations, just like this one with a friend who sees you really sees you, right? Someone that you can speak candidly to that is going to love you through it. And just listen and just witness. I said, I think I said this word in the last episode, but witness you just somebody who can relate who's been through it. Who's that? Who's also maybe experiencing the same things really just, you know, call on that person and be like, listen, I just, this is heavy right now. I need to vent it out. You know, I just, I need to share. I need to be heard by someone who gets me and by, you know, another mother who, who understands. And I think this is obvious, but I'm going to say it out loud. Anyway, I think every mother has experienced this at some point, right? This is not a Tegan problem. This is a, every mother I imagine has experienced this at one time or another. So, you know, so Becky, thanks for being that person for me. And like she said early on in the episode, there have been countless times where we have come together and talked through these kinds of things way before this podcast was ever born. The emotional value of having someone who understands just to share your feelings with is, I mean, it's priceless. Yes. I feel very, very blessed to have you in my life. So thank you for always listening. Tegan, one of the last points that I want to make and really share with you, and I want to just say to Tegan or to Lacey or to any mom who needs to hear this today, you cannot pour from an empty cup. You cannot. And Lacey, you did a very beautiful job about talking about self-care and doing the things that fill you up and do that and fill your cup. And the reality is, is that we get to put down some of the have-tos and shoulds in order to make sure that our cup is full. Because most moms want to give 110%. And if your cup is only 30% full, you can only give 30%. So true. That's all you can do. And that's hard. That's sometimes hard to chew up and swallow. But like, make sure that you are making the time for you. Make sure that you're making the time to fill your cup. Make sure that you're doing those things because you cannot show up and be present to what is important. If you're not, you just can't. My dad used to say to me that the days were long, but the years were short. And in the early parts of my children being born when my dad was still here with us, he said that to me at least 100 times. Like, I know this day feels long, Becky, but one day you're going to miss it. And I think that every new parent probably hears that. And for the first time this week, I said that to somebody. Like, I know it doesn't feel like it, but you're going to miss this. You're going to miss this. And so I think that the very last thing and where I would end on my advice, Tegan, is just to find joy in the journey. Find a way to be intentional in the moment. When my first son was born, our doctor actually said, he's like, you don't have to be a stay-at-home mom to be a great mom. It's not about spending every moment with them. It's about the moments that you spend with them being intentional. Oh, I have goosebumps. Love that. And so shout out to Dr. Ryan and Tegan and every mom listening. I would just really encourage you to find that today. Find a way to be intentional for yourself. Find a way to be intentional for your relationship and find a way to be intentional with your children. And that doesn't have to mean something big and over the moon, but it could just be a conversation or playing cards or making s'mores or something simple because those are the things that we will remember. And no more flocking mom guilt, okay? Yeah, let that shit go, man. Let it go. You're always so eloquent, Becky, and I'm always so ornery, but I think that's what makes this great. So thank you for being here with me today. And thank you, Tegan, for your wonderful question and send your questions to us. We would love to respond to your question in an upcoming episode. Thanks for being here. Have a great day.