How Rude!

In today’s episode, we’re diving into your questions. Listener Katie M. asks:
"When faced with rudeness from your kids, family, or friends, how do you navigate the situation while maintaining your composure and integrity?

Cell phones, "sass-holes", allowance and acceptance. Becky and Lacey discuss coping strategies, share stories, and introduce an idea for re-framing rudeness as an opportunity for us, rather than something that happens to us. 

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becky@thisflockeduplife.com

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Transcript

0:05

Whether you're navigating the challenges of parenthood with a crying baby, a teenager, or anything in between, whether you have one child or a dozen, know this, we see you, we are you. We are modern moms and best friends with out-of-the-box kids, and we're here to cheer you on during this wild ride called motherhood. We show ourselves grace, build badass communities, and choose to embrace the chaos with love and humor. Welcome to this flocked-up life, because being a mom is messy, imperfect, and pretty flockin' beautiful. Hey there, I hope you're having a beautiful day. I'm Becky North, and I'm here with my favorite Fleming gal, Lacey Verbick. How are you today, Lacey? Hey, Becky, so glad to be here with you. I am doing great. Spent a wonderful weekend with my family out at a you-pick farm, picking zinnias, of all things. So I have a rainbow on my kitchen table today. Ooh, I love that. You're gonna have to share a picture with us for us to see. I would love to. Love that, love that. How about you? How was your weekend? We had a great weekend. We spent the weekend at the lake with our family and my little water babies, who are not babies anymore, but they just spent all day jumping in the water and just having so much fun, and that led to a very quiet house this morning because they were still pretty worn out. So grateful for that. Yes, we'll take it. In today's episode, we're diving into your questions, and we have a question from Katie M. She asks, when faced with rudeness from your kids, family, or friends, how do you navigate the situation while maintaining your composure and integrity? Woo, that is a doozy. Ha ha! I actually have a really cool story. Well, it was not cool in the moment, but a really cool story that I can share right off the bat that relates to this. So you want me to go ahead, Becky, or you have something to share? Yeah, I'd love to hear it. Tell me, tell me. All right, so this week, I had an experience where I would call her a friend, had asked me to show her around an area where we were going to be holding an event. So, of course, I was happy to do that. We were there on site, and she could not stop interrupting me to look at her phone, to solve the world's problems in that moment that was so much more important to her than speaking to me or getting the information that I was trying to convey, that we literally stopped, I counted eight times, we stopped the conversation that we were having that she requested to have in order for her to pull up her phone quickly as if it was an emergency, read an email, read a text message, chatter on about it, tell me roughly what it was about, and then realize that she had wandered off, put her phone away, turn attention back on me just to pick up the very next distraction like 30 seconds later. It was a little out of character for this person. She doesn't normally like that, at least not that I've witnessed this up close, but I couldn't believe, even though I was trying to help her, I couldn't believe how incredibly small it made me feel. It was like, oh, you're there, and you're talking, and you're trying to help me, but you're completely and totally unimportant in this moment. And then we repeated it times eight, and by the end of the interaction, I was like, I feel sick. I need to get out of this space. I need to get away from you. And I just, I couldn't believe how diminishing it felt to me on the receiving end of all of that distraction. And keep in mind, I have a pretty high tolerance given that I live with three people who experience ADHD symptoms, okay? I got a pretty high threshold, I'd say, but this was very upsetting to me at the time. And when I saw this question come up, I thought, oh yeah, composure and integrity, yeah. Can't say those were key words for me in that moment, though I did remain composed, at least someone who doesn't know me as well as Becky knows me, I probably appeared composed. But, you know, integrity, I really, this question really got me thinking is, was I in my integrity in that moment, or would Lacey and her integrity have said, hey, listen, you know, I'm trying to help you, and you're really not present here in this moment, I'd really appreciate it if you'd calm down. You know, that's probably what Lacey and her integrity would have done. I just took it really personally, and let it really piss me off, frankly. And then we got back, and I separated myself from it. I just closed the door, sat quietly, and tried to, you know, kind of cleanse, clear, and shift my, you know, my energy and my attention and my awareness away from the feelings that I was having around that, and just kind of, you know, reset myself a little bit. And that's my first piece of advice for you, Katie, is one of the ways to navigate it is to separate yourself from it. Step away, as Becky loves to say, right? Sometimes it needs addressed immediately and directly, and sometimes the best course of action is to separate yourself from it. But, you know, that's not always gonna be the right choice. So, Becky, I'm sure you have some awesome advice here. Yeah, I agree with that completely. It's on my notes, too, that, like, sometimes we just need to walk away, right? Like, sometimes, for whatever the situation it is, whether it's with our kids, with our family, with our coworkers, whoever, sometimes the best course of action is saying, like, woo, I recognize that I need to take a beat, right? That I need to take a moment, and so I'm gonna walk away and give myself that, and then you can come back to the moment if you want to, like, and you can say that. But I would say that's not something that we're all taught. I think some of us have been taught that very well, but that's not something we're all taught, that it can still be a lesson that we can learn in our adulthood, that, like, saying, hey, I recognize in this situation I can't see past what I'm in right now. I like to call it the in the in it, and so I'm gonna walk away from the in it so I have clarity, and that doesn't make you any less human or anything like that. I think that most people's first reaction is honestly hurt, but it shows up as frustration, exactly like you said, Lacey. Like, I felt little. I didn't feel seen. I didn't feel, and then the way that that oftentimes will show up for us is we meet rudeness with frustration because we're hurt, because it's a defense mechanism. So right. You know, another aspect of this experience for me was that I immediately wanted to blame it on the phone. Well, of course I thought she was rude, but I thought the phone was to blame. She had the phone in her hand and the phone was the source. What was the catalyst to the rude behavior, right? And so I just looked at the phone like, ugh, if only we didn't have phones, people wouldn't be so rude, you know? These are some of the things going through my head. I even wrote down, phones have made us all rude. And of course that's not really true, right? But that's the emotion. That's the feeling that I had, and I didn't reflect until right before this episode, right before we hit record on the fact that we're probably all doing it, including me. I'm sure I've done it, right? I'm sure I've been rude with my phone. That's one of those jagged little pills, right? That's one of those hard to swallow things is I was on the receiving end of it, but am I conscious of it when I'm doling it out? Nope, probably not, right? And so I don't know, that's the lesson for me. That's the lesson for me today, apparently, is, you know, be careful criticizing others when you may be doing this yourself. Mm, that's good, that's good. I have that too. In the world of neuro-linguistic programming, they talk a lot about perception is projection, and those are words, big words, that sometimes when you hear them together, you're like, well, what exactly does that mean? But basically, what that means is that a lot of times when we are getting frustrated about something that is showing up in another person, that is also showing up in us. They are being a mirror for us, and we are easily frustrated by that because in some situations, some would say in most situations, we are seeing something that we don't like about ourselves, whether it's consciously or unconsciously in somebody else. And that's a hard pill to swallow, right? Like, oh man, how is this? And so one of the things that I wrote down to that same point there, Lacey, was like, when you start to feel or see quote-unquote rudeness in somebody else, if you're looking at that like they are a mirror, I would encourage you to pause and ask yourself, how am I showing up like this in my life? Because we can't change anything about anybody else. We can change us and how we wanna show up and what is in alignment with our integrity, like you asked, Kate. And so, but we can't change what we don't recognize. And so that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with anybody, but how might we be showing up in that same way in our own lives? And once we have recognition and awareness, we can do something about it. Oh gosh, so spot on, Becky. And you know, you may be like me in this regard, Becky, that I pride myself in choosing to be present. Now, I'm not perfect by any phase of the imagination, but you know, when I'm one-on-one with the person, my phone is secondary, unless I am having an emergency. Right. Or you have asked me to answer a question for you and I need to utilize that resource in that moment. I do not have my phone out. I am present with you. And that is how I wanna show up in the world. I wanna be remembered as the person who made the eye contact, took the time. I wanna be remembered as a good listener. I don't wanna be the person that got two more things done, but made everyone around me feel small. Nope, that's not me. And I'm the weirdo with people I spend most of my time with, especially at work. I'm the weirdo. I'm the one whose phone is face down on the table in the meeting. Or I'm the one who doesn't bring my phone at all to lunch or something, let's say, you know. And some of you listening might gasp at the idea, you know, that I might miss 30 minutes of communication. And certainly there are circumstances that require a phone for emergencies or things like that, right? But my children are older and very self-sufficient. They're confident young people. And our life is such that fortunately we haven't encountered a lot of emergencies and don't have a lot of urgent needs that come up day to day. And I understand that some families, that's the case for them. But for me, I need that space from constant notifications, constant emails, constant phone calls, constant text messages. And that's just what my, that's just how I live my best life, right? Is to be able to put that away sometimes and for short periods. And I'm the weirdo for sure. And people look at me like, well, what do you mean you're not taking your phone? I mean, I'm not taking my phone so I can be present with you. And that is, it's, I don't know. It's a little, I don't know, weird to be the odd man there and when everyone else is doing it. But I, you know, I've always been a people person and I guess I just, I would love to build better relationships because I'm not caught up in my phone all the time. I think part of why this upset me, so, you know, this situation with her is that it's clear that she doesn't value that. That's not a priority for her. And therefore, you know, and I took it personally because it is a high value, you know, trait or decision for me, so. Okay, I'm gonna get a little controversial here. I hope that's okay. All right, I'm ready. We promise real, but you just said it was clear that it's not a value to her, right? But can you say that 100% knowingly? Do you know the situation that was going on? Well, yes and no. I know some of the interruption. I know the nature of some of the interruptions and they were work-related and minor, but I don't know all of it, no. Okay, and then the next question I would have to that and like, listen, I would say this to anybody and Lacey's been my friend for a long time, so this is not abnormal to our listeners, okay? I would say, did that trigger you so much because of the moment? Because you had a big response to that. You can tell by the way you're telling the story, but did it because of the moment or did it because this has shown up in other areas of your life, even if it's not from you? Has that happened with other people or other situations or other things where you maybe felt like you weren't the priority, even though you were giving? And is that what made this situation, this one specifically, so much more triggering? Oh, girl, as usual, you just pulled the blanket right off of that. Yeah, I mean, I think you're spot on there. I have felt, I would say, if I'm reflecting on these situations, I've had several people in my life, important people in my life, showing up this way. Also, I'm probably a little extra sensitive to it, right? Like you said, a little triggered by it. I mean, let's admit it, Lacey. Sometimes people are sassholes. They just are. Sometimes people are sassholes, right? Everybody has a moment where they're a sasshole, even me, even you, even, right? Like where, oh, I've probably been guilty of something similar where I'm like, oh, they'll be understanding because they know X, Y, Z. But while everybody can have the moments of being sassholes and maybe not seeing outside of the in it, whatever that is for them, right? Like, oh, I'm being glumpled with work things or like, listen, my kids can be big sassholes, right? Sorry, probably shouldn't say that. Maybe we should edit that out. But it's true. It's true, right? My husband can be a sasshole. I am a sasshole sometimes. But like when we are giving our time to somebody, right? When we are showing up for somebody, when we are helping somebody, like it doesn't mean that we want a gold medal, but everybody wants to be acknowledged, at least in the fact of like, hey, you asked for my help. Be present in the moment. I think that that's true of everybody. Like, whether we say that out loud or not. And sometimes as people, we can't see past our sassholeness. It's the only option in that moment. I just think that it's so, so true. And I think, Lacey, that even with the situation that you were talking about, and even though I asked those questions, which I would have asked outside of this space also, she could tell you it's true, right? I still see you, right? And your feelings are still valid and all of those things, but getting to the heart of why, why do we feel like that person was rude? Why did it hurt so bad? Why did they show up like that, right? Finding why oftentimes helps us to heal. Well, and it's a reflection, I don't mean to make it sound so heavy, like such a massive deal, like I'm crushed forever. I'm gonna go cry in my room, right? It wasn't like that, but you're right, Becky, very right in that my personal experiences with others around this similar type of behavior, it made it more, I don't know, I felt it more. I noticed it more, I'm sensitive to it more. I'm like probably watching, I'm looking out for it. Becky, since you and I have been doing this podcast, I feel like somehow every topic comes back to personal growth and personal development and work that we have to do, right? Continual work that keeps showing up. I have, well, I'll speak for myself, but I have grown so tremendously over the last, I'd say two to three years here that I continue to uncover opportunities for even more growth. I guess I wasn't ready for all that before. I was just happy to sit in my own stuff and be friends with the old beliefs that weren't even probably mine, and now that's not the case, but the work continues. If we can stretch ourselves enough to see this as an opportunity rather than something that was done to us, right? That's where, I mean, that's always. Absolutely, and sometimes we don't get that to that point of it's an opportunity for a beat, and that's okay. Yeah. Sometimes it takes a minute to get there. You know, one other thing I wrote out, and it's funny that I wrote this because as I was writing it, I was like, nope, I don't wanna do that. I had resistance in my body as I was writing it down, but what I wrote down is talk it out and make eye contact. So isn't that interesting that I'm giving my own self-advice here? But the other option besides separating yourself from it, stepping away, taking that beat, shifting your energy and your mindset after something that's upsetting happens, the other option is to just take the bull by the horns and say, hey, you know, I see that you're really busy, and I'd really appreciate your attention right now since you asked me to come here, you asked me to help. That's the other option, and I think that's a really strong adult option that I should probably take more often than I do. And why don't I? Because it's hard. So what the flap are you waiting for? Hit the subscribe button now and become part of our growing flock, because let's face it, it'll be fun, and you're worth it. Believe it or not, we can have differing opinions and still be kind, right? Hard to believe, I know that in today's world. It's hard to believe, but it's true. And you know, Lacey, I had that on my list too, like confronting it, right? Like coming back to it, because guys, we can't read minds. Like that's not actually a thing. Lacey and I are great friends, and we are super in sync a lot of the time, right? But she still can't read my mind. And so if we don't have those conversations, not only are we doing that person a disjustice, but we're doing ourselves a disjustice because they can't read our minds. I was talking about this recently with another friend of mine. She was talking about in her marriage, and she's like, well, I really just want this. And I was like, well, have you told him that? I mean, it felt kind of silly. Like I probably giggled even a little like you just did, Lacey, right? Because that seems so simple, but it's so hard. I'm like, have you just tried saying what I'm talking to you, and you instead are looking up at the TV or you're on your phone, or you're twiddling your thumbs or spinning around in circles, depending on who you're talking to, right? That doesn't make me feel seen and valued. And I would really like it that if we were in a situation where you can't give me like the five minutes to have the conversation, that you just ask if we could come back to it later, or that you just give me the five minutes, right? And that's hard. That's a hard conversation to have. But like you said, Lacey, it's so important and lean in and do it because you deserve it. Other person deserves it too, but so do you. And that's part of like, you know, setting healthy boundaries with the people in our lives. And they will never know what those boundaries are if we don't tell them. You know, one thing you just made me think of is, you know, instead of starting a conversation with you don't make eye contact with me when the basketball game is on, or I can't ever get your attention because you're looking at your phone too much, instead of pointing fingers and starting with an accusation, that even if it's true, start with I need. Hey, you know, I wanted to, can we talk for a few minutes? Okay, awesome. I need you to be more present at dinnertime, or I need you to stop what you're doing and make eye contact with me when I ask you for something, or like, you know, whatever it is in your house, in your marriage, with your kids, at work, it's a good way to open a conversation you might not wanna have. You're starting off a little bit vulnerable, a little bit open, a little bit, you know, receptive rather than aggressive and finger pointing. I don't do so well saying I need things because I don't fancy myself as a person in need most of the time. Again, that's something I'm growing past, but you know, even if you don't love the word need, it's a starting point, right? A word like need could be a starting point for that. Well, you could need things without being needy. Ooh, boy. You can need things without being needy. That is so, so true. I'm so glad that you said that, Lacey, and the I need. And sometimes those conversations lead to really deep conversations because, for instance, if you're saying that with your spouse, they may come back and say, well, I need this. Like, I need this, right? Because you're creating a place of vulnerability in whatever those relationships are that you are talking about that. But everybody has needs, everybody in the entire world. And I think that we have, in my opinion, we have been kind of filtered into this like, oh, needing makes us bad. And the truth is, I wanna make sure all of my needs are filled so I can show up in abundance in the world. And when I stopped looking at it about like, oh, needing something makes me selfish, and I started looking at it like, oh, if I make sure that my emotional tank is filled with the relationships that I'm having, then I can show up more. Yeah. I have more to share. I have this. And it is funny, Lacey, it seems to always, always come back to self. Yeah. It always comes back to us and the growth that we are willing to have. Oh, I love willing. I love willingness, and that you just touched on that, because that is, that also ties back to this story and this whole situation. How much rudeness are you willing to tolerate, right? Maybe it's a little, maybe it's a lot, right? I think we're all different. We all have different thresholds and tolerance levels. I read a really great book. If you're curious about willingness or you feel like willingness is something that maybe needs tweaking in your life, I read a really cool book. It's called Unfuck Yourself, if you heard of this. I love that book. This book, Unfuck Yourself, talks a lot about, honestly, I'm not a huge reader. I love books and I love learning, but I don't love to read books, if that makes any sense at all. I think books are beautiful, but when I sit down to read them, I just don't get through them very fast. But anyway, this one book, Unfuck Yourself, I just love because he has a whole chapter on willingness, and at the end of that chapter, my mind was blown. I was like, oh my God. I didn't understand willingness. I have a profound understanding of willingness and how it's a choice, and I can say I'm not willing, and that has teeth. That is power. I just never considered any of that prior to reading this book, so that was a huge ah-ha. And I don't, I don't know, willingness doesn't necessarily go with your question, Kate, but in a roundabout way, it does. Check your willingness. How willing am I to accept this behavior? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, and I had one other thing to share back to you, and then I'll pass it back over to you, but when faced with rudeness, consider allowance versus acceptance, two really similar-sounding words that mean two pretty different things, right? You kind of have a choice to allow behavior to kind of just imagine a cloud just rolling on in the sky, just rolling on by, right? That's allowance. So someone's rude behavior, maybe it's a one-off, right? Maybe they're not normally a rude person, but there's a rude moment, right? And you can choose to allow that to just float on by, and then the inverse of allowance is acceptance. So what that would look like is you sit, someone is rude in that moment and says something hurtful to you. If you accept that rudeness, then you're taking it on energetically, emotionally, right? You're saying, okay, well, I deserve that, or that's okay for you to treat me that way. And that's a big difference, right? Big difference in how that lands, how that rudeness gets into your experience. So I say, okay, well, she was really distracted and rude and that hurt my feelings, but I'm just gonna allow that to roll on by, right? It doesn't change her rudeness, but it does protect me. It does allow me to stay centered and move on. I didn't do a good job allowing, right? I don't know if I'd say I accepted it, but yeah, maybe a little, yeah. That I should have allowed and moved on and it would have saved me a lot of, what a lot of negative feelings, except don't accept things that aren't yours. Yes. Yeah. I think that's all. Go ahead, Becca. Okay. Well, you know, Kate, the first thing that I wanna talk about that I love that you asked in this question was like showing up and maintaining your integrity, right? And I don't know that integrity is something that as a world we talk about enough, if I'm honest, but in situations, whether people are rude or whether it's just your normal every day or whatever that is, I think that you just need to be really firm in whatever your integrity is. And, you know, something that I do myself and I've even started doing with my kids as they are becoming older and deciding who they want to be in the world, right? Is I have like a statement, like an I am statement, right? Like this is my vision statement, maybe the thing that you would say if you were looking at it with a business that I read out loud every day. I am this, right? And I, it is like, I do it first thing in the morning and well, I do it a couple of times a day, but I always make sure I do it first thing in the morning because A, I'm just putting it out into the world. I'm deciding, I am declaring, not deciding, declaring to the world who I am and I'm reminding me who I am choosing to be every single day. And let me be clear, you've heard me say it a lot and I'll keep on saying it, I'm not perfect. So far from perfect, right? Cause I probably wouldn't say things like sass holes and stuff like that if I were perfect. But- We wouldn't read books like unfuck yourself. Right, exactly. Yes, but I'm getting better every day, right? I am doing that. And some of those things that I, that maybe, you know, would have triggered me or things in the past I've been able to work through because I'm making this declaration about who I am that can change at any moment. I can decide to be something different, right? But how do I stay in line with my integrity in every situation? I am firm in who I wanna be. The other thing I was gonna say is, and I said it before, but like, don't be afraid to set boundaries, right? And this is probably more with maybe not work colleagues, but like your kids and your family and your close friends. Like boundaries are not a bad thing. This is coming from a recovering people pleaser, right? Like don't let yourself be a doormat in any situation. Just don't. I had that conversation recently with my husband about somebody who shows up rudely in my life pretty consistently. And, you know, the question I asked was, how do I show our kids to show up in love always and still protect myself in this situation? And my husband said, you know, I don't know that I can answer that for you, but I will say, are you with this specific situation, are you teaching our kids to show up in love or are you teaching our kids to be a doormat? And I was like, whoa, that was big. And it was hard to hear. And I'm certain, like he didn't say it spitefully, right? Like you could tell he's walking the little egg Shelly, even maybe, right? But I needed to hear that in that moment. And that one shift caused me to set better boundaries and change things and be like, showing up in love doesn't mean letting you do whatever the you want. Yes, girl. Right? So set healthy boundaries. Do you have anything to say about that one, Lacey? I have nothing to add because that was spot on and yes, the boundaries. And then Kate, really kind of the last thing that I have and it's kind of two parts, cause I just had, I pinged in a lot with what Lacey was saying, but is we don't always know what's going on in that specific moment in somebody else's life. And sometimes, especially with things like shortness and rudeness and those things, that is showing up because hurt people hurt people. Because maybe something happened that morning or maybe something is going on in their home life or maybe that. And like Lacey said, you need to have awareness, right? Because if it happens just once in a while and it's not a pattern, then I would say you need to look at it much differently than if somebody is continuing to show up like this, that's where the boundaries thing comes in. But I would just encourage you to show grace in the situations where it's not normal for that person because you don't know what's going on. And that I would hope that you would want that grace shown to you in the situation where you wouldn't normally act like that, right? Because one moment does not define us. One moment doesn't. Go ahead, Lacey, sorry. No, sorry. That was so beautiful. Yeah, absolutely, 100%. Yeah, so just keep showing up and keeping you. And keep choosing you and the real and the hard conversations. And you know what? If somebody is just being an extra big sasshole that day, like let them. Because like Lacey, let's just say, sorry, this just came to me. So let's say somebody came up to you and started speaking German. And they were just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, in German, right? Like all kinds of things to you. The likeliness that you speak German is probably not very, right? At least not fluently, I don't think. Like it would not have mattered what they said to you because you wouldn't have understood, right? Like you wouldn't have. And so sometimes we just need to hear it in a different language so we can just let it roll right off our back because that's the best thing for us, right? Now I'm not saying do that in every situation because I'm big. Like you've heard me and I talked a lot about with you Lacey about like allowing the space for your feelings and coming back and confronting it. And like, but sometimes is it worth the energy? Is it worth the energy to get sucked back into it for somebody that you may never see again? That's a great point. So long to sassholes. Walk away, who cares? Laugh it off. Like their opinion of you in the end does not matter. It's your opinion of you that matters. Which is why I loved you asked about staying in integrity and I think that we can only do that by choosing to show up as the best we can in every situation every day. And sometimes that means coming back to a situation a couple of days later and saying, man, I should have done that a little differently. Right? I was just gonna say that. What did the situation we experienced teach us? Yeah. And then you do different next time. You be better next time, right? Like you show up differently next time and maybe it is still a situation where you can go back to that person, right? But, you know, Lacey, you and I have talked about this a lot and with self growth and all of that, I'm like, there've been a lot of versions of me, a lot of evolutions, right? And even a couple of years ago, I probably would have looked back with a little bit of shame around some of those evolutions of me. But today, all I have is gratitude because I know that those versions of me, just like those versions of you, were doing the very, very best that they knew how in that moment. And I had to be all of those people to be this person today. And this person today wouldn't trade for the world. I wouldn't trade you for the world either. Oh, I wouldn't trade you for the world either. Awesome. Well, what a great conversation, Becky. Wow, you delivered the heavy hitters right there at the end. Well done. Thanks for the question, Katie. We so appreciate you writing to us. And if you're listening out there and you have a burning question you'd love to hear us talk about, send it on. Our emails are in the show notes and we'd love to hear from you.