Walk the Line

In today’s episode, we’re answering a question from Mallory K. She asks, 
"With everything going on in the world and in our schools, I am struggling to protect my kids while still preparing them for the world. I don’t want to be a helicopter parent, and I also want to make sure they’re safe. Do you have any suggestions?"

Babies aren't born with a parenting manual, so, it's no wonder modern parents feel torn between protecting our children and preparing them for the world. Our children need both, but how to find the right balance. 

We'd love to hear from you! Reach out to us.
lacey@thisflockeduplife.com
becky@thisflockeduplife.com

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Transcript

0:06

Whether you're navigating the challenges of parenthood with a crying baby, a teenager, or anything in between, whether you have one child or a dozen, know this, we see you, we are you. We are modern moms and best friends with out-of-the-box kids, and we're here to cheer you on during this wild ride called motherhood. We show ourselves grace, build badass communities, and choose to embrace the chaos with love and humor. Welcome to This Flocked Up Life, because being a mom is messy, imperfect, and pretty flocking beautiful. Hey there, I hope you're having a beautiful day. I'm Lacey Virbick, and I'm here with my favorite Flamingo, Becky North. How are we doing today, Becky? I am great, Lacey. You know, here in the Midwest, in St. Louis, we have finally gotten some rain this week, which I am so, so, so grateful for. How are you? I am doing great as well. It's been a cool start to fall here in Indianapolis, but we had an exciting week at our house with a water damage situation in our guest bathroom, so I'll just leave it at that. But it's been, so far, a wet, stinky, expensive adventure. So yeah, I'm excited to be here with you today. I'm excited to be here with you. Awesome. Well, let's kick it off with our question this week. We have a question from Mallory K., and she asks, with everything going on in the world and in our schools, I am struggling to protect my kids while still preparing them for the world. I don't want to be a helicopter parent, and I also want to make sure they're safe. Do you have any suggestions? Ooh, I know you are ready to hop all over this, girl. Go. First, I want to say just thank you, Mallory. Thank you for asking about the hard things. And I want to say that I don't know that any of the things that I'm going to say will resonate for you, or they won't. I don't know. But we need to do more talking about it. I don't know how you feel about that, Lacy. Yeah, I think it was a brave question. I agree. And Mallory, thanks for bringing it forward. I think every parent of school-age children can absolutely relate to this. And quite frankly, I don't think it expires at K-12 school-age children. I mean, I'm thinking about my daughter, who's a sophomore and undergrad, right? And there's still that desire to protect and also the desire to allow and to encourage experiences and to praise her for walking out into the world bravely, right? So yeah, I mean, I think it applies basically to all families and to all parenting stages and ages. So yeah, for sure. Becky, do you have some insight you want to share? Yeah, I do. I wanted to say the first thing that came to mind, especially when you were speaking about in our schools and stuff, is it's scary, right? It's scary. The things that we're hearing on the news, it's scary. Having children come home and be like, today we did active shooter training. That's a scary place to be. And I am going to talk about my age a little bit here. But I remember when Columbine happened, which really kind of seemed to be the catalyst for where we are today, not that that was the first time. I don't know if that was the first time there was a school shooting. But it was the first time I remember it being talked about very, very publicly. I remember being in school at that time. The next day we had a there was a kid who brought a machete to school the very next day where I lived. And I, yeah, I, I remember that. Right. And so I think for me and Lacey, you may agree or disagree, but I look back and I think, yeah, there were things that I did in my childhood that I wouldn't or haven't let my kids do yet because I have a different awareness of the world than I did then. Absolutely. That's okay. So it's scary. But I also just want to say, like, there's not actually a parenting blueprint, right? That doesn't exist. If somebody wants to get on that, though, like you could be a zillionaire, right? Like you're. I need one. Right, right. Like here are all the right answers for all the things, right? That would be really great, but it doesn't exist. We make a decision and we're all doing the very best that we can. And in most of the cases, let me just say that we are all doing the very best that we can with that decision. And so how do you walk the line between both protecting and preparing? You have honest conversations. You talk about it. You don't try to hide the world from them because the reality is, is that whether or not we are ready, there's going to be a point where they walk out into it. And honestly, like, probably my biggest piece of advice is don't try to compare. You know, when I was eight years old, I rode my bike all around the town that my parents lived in, like literally from sunup to sundown. I had to come home when the streetlights came on, right? I would not let my kids do that now today. But there's a lot that plays into that. It's not just scary things like guns, right? Or predators or things like that. It's, there are a lot more cars. There's a lot more infrastructure. There are more people. There are like, like the town I grew up in versus where I live now. Like, my subdivision is bigger than the town I grew up in, right? Right. So, like, I just think, like, we don't have to compare to the Smiths down the road. We also don't have to compare to our own childhood because the world has just evolved since then. Would you agree, Lacey? Yes, 100 percent. And I have a quick story. And then I want to share that I had a similar note to what you just shared. Like, I grew up in a rural community in central Indiana, and it was a neighborhood that surrounded a big lake. And like you, my parents were like, oh, yeah, you want to ride your bike a mile to the general store in the middle of the afternoon with no one else? You know, that was totally cool back then. And I remember that. I remember that time actually very fondly, right? That that was a time of of independence and confidence building and exploration. And that was a time where, you know, where when I ran into something that I didn't anticipate or something that was dangerous or someone or something else that I remember, like feeling empowered to just handle that back then. And I mean, I was probably that was probably the case for me from, like, say, maybe eight or nine to twelve or thirteen or maybe all the way through high school. But it's you're right to not compare that to today's world, because, you know, our circumstances are not the same. And some, you know, some environments are better than others for that, for allowing our children to be independent, you know, seekers and explorers and, you know, running around and interacting and kind of, you know, touching in with the world safely in different ways with different folks. Like, for example, the neighborhood that I live in now isn't isn't a great walking neighborhood. It's more of a driving neighborhood and then people just sort of come and go. It's suburban residential, but there's not a lot of like community in the neighborhood. Right. Everybody keeps to themselves. It's not super walkable, not a lot of sidewalks, more more just roads and driveways. Well, like just down the street, my one of my girlfriends, they live on a cul-de-sac and there's like five houses on this cul-de-sac. And all the people in the cul-de-sac love each other and they watch out for each other's kids. And they, you know, they they they've formed, you know, trust with each other and feel safe. And so those kids play outside all the time. It's not that we live in a different city or that we live in a different state or that the circumstances are all that different around here. It's just, you know, it's it's it's, I guess, location specific or, you know, it's it's environmental where you are, whether or not that kind of thing is is safe and acceptable. But I wanted to touch on what you shared, Becky, and I also wrote down helping to create understanding rather than protecting. So, Mallory, this goes back to your question, helping helping. What if we thought of it as helping our children understand the world better rather than helicoptering them, right, rather than being in a constant state of vigilance and protection of them? What if we saw it as our job to enhance their understanding so that they can keep themselves safe and make a decision? So what the flap are you waiting for? Hit the follow button and become part of our growing flock, because let's face it, it'll be fun and you're worth it. In tandem with that, Lacey, one of the things that I had was like was saying, be the change, right? Like we hear how how many times have you heard the change you want to see in the world? But like, truly, like, we can be that change for our kids and for ourselves, right? And just as simply as like, like, this is maybe a silly thing, but as simply as if somebody cuts you off, not like yelling and screaming at them, right, in the car. And I know that that sounds silly, but like, it's just one place where we get to choose how our energy goes, right? And how we get to choose how our, our energy and our own choices affect the world and those around us, right? And so when we teach that to ourselves, and in turn to our children, I think, you know, like, that is a way that we really can do that, quote, unquote, be the change, right? Like, because we don't talk about it a lot, but like positivity is just as contagious as negativity. Mmm, I love that. Yes, ma'am. You know, I, similar to what similar as always, we have similar points, Becky, but one of the other things I wrote down was focus on what you can lovingly and reasonably control, right? The world is a scary place. Yes, school shootings are terrifying. Yes, the, you know, a lot of the political landscape right now, I find terrifying, right? There's a lot of things in our world that, that can and do feel scary, but what can you lovingly and reasonably control? Think, you know, keep your focus there, right? Like you said, one of the things you can lovingly and reasonably control is teaching your children not to red rage or teaching, you know, or teaching your children to be kind to animals or, you know, any number of a million things, right? Those are the things you can control. And, you know, I'm going to, I'm going to go a little metaphysical on you here, but what, what we know about the law of attraction and creation and manifestation is what you focus on expands. If you focus on negativity, if you focus on fear, if you focus on all the things that aren't right in this world, you're going to get more. We're all going to get more, right? So do your fellow humans a favor, keep it positive, keep it, you know, keep thinking about what you're grateful for, what's working. What did you see today that felt magical? What did your child say to you that hit you in the heart, right? Focus on those things, keep, you know, give attention and energy to those things so that, you know, so that there's no room, there's no room in your heart and in your mind for the negativity that isn't, that's inevitably around us. Right. But fill your, fill your cup, so to speak with, with all, with all good things and place your attention there. And, um, you know, and, and the other things may just subside and feel a lot less scary for you. Yeah. I love that you said that I have, where's your focus written down also Lacey. And I want to just say like, you guys here say that a lot, but like, doesn't mean you're not going to have bad moments, right. Or bad days or maybe even bad weeks or months. Right. Like, but it's about being able to pivot out of the bad and find some good. Right. I, we made a choice in our house a long time ago to not watch the news. And that's not a choice for everybody. So I'm not like, but it might be a choice for you if you're listening. Right. And you feel so inclined, but I will say simply that act of not watching like modern day news, I still read news. I still like, I still am aware of what's going on in the world around me. So it's not like I'm living in a bubble. Right. But, um, physically watching the news was a trigger for me. Like, I mean, it sent me down a spiral every single time. And so, um, I worked really hard. Like we, we don't watch the news in our house. We just don't. Those are things that I can control. Right. Because the news does a really good job. And a lot of times of focusing on the bad, because it's what people want to hear. Most people, not you and me, girl. Not me. Yeah. But like, like, so they, like, I don't get on the news very often here and hear about all the great things going on in the world. Right. Like, so not saying to live in a bubble or do that, but you can like your circle of influence in your circle of control. Super important. Yeah. And, you know, I wanted to, I wanted to circle back to something else you were talking about, Becky, about, you know, about how, how don't compare how dangerous it was then to how dangerous it is now. Right. Because you don't want to think you don't necessarily want to think about that. But interestingly, I was sharing, I was sharing with my husband the other day and we were just kind of had a had a lively conversation about this. And he mentioned that actually crime statistics say it was more dangerous when we were growing up. So let's say in the 80s. Right. For me, it was the 80s and 90s when I was growing up that then it is now that the only reason we're more aware of it is due to things like social media and everybody's carrying around a camera and a phone and all the things. Right. So that actually, you know, truth be told, our sense of of danger and and in our our level of fear may actually be concocted, may actually be not necessarily the truth that doesn't that doesn't mean it's less present in our life or less resonant in our heart. But it it might mean that it's not necessarily the truth. So before you get all wrapped up in, you know, in in fear and anxiety and protection mode and mama bear and the claws are out, right, maybe maybe actually take a breath, take a little step back and say, OK, is this is this feeling is this desire for control? Is this is this actually grounded in fact, or is this just fear? And I'll share I'll share a statistic that I found that was really interesting. In 1984, there were an estimated three and a half million completed and attempted crimes. The percentage of completed offenses was 37 percent for violent crime, 94 percent for theft and 85 percent for household crime in the first quarter of 2024. So that's this year, the year that this was recorded. The FBI reported a 15 percent decrease in overall violent crime. This included a 26 percent decrease in murder and rape, a nearly 18 percent decrease in robbery, more than 12 percent decrease in aggravated assault and a 15 percent decrease in reported property crime. In general, crime rates in the United States have been trending downward since 1992. Now, I was I got to admit, I was a little bit blown away by that. Now, certainly, you know, school related incidents, which we've sort of touched on, are not included in those statistics. But what does what does that I mean, what does that do to your heart kind of makes you go, hmm, maybe maybe I am reacting to the news, right? Maybe I am focusing only on the negative. Right. Yes. You know, and what if you what if you tried Mallory, what if you tried just flipping that flip in that script, focus more on what's improving, focus more on those percentages that are decreasing. Right. And see if that see how that feels. My thoughts there, Becky. Yeah, no, I love that. And, you know, I think, Lacy, the thing that I took from that, too, was like, we also don't have to change everything about the way that we parent like overnight, right? Like we make changes in our house all the time, right, to say, hey, like, maybe we need to look at it like this now based on like our kids growing based on our environments changing based on all of those things. So like, you know, Mallory, I know you said like one of the things was like you were like, I don't want to be a helicopter parent. So I would say, like, look at those things where you feel like maybe you're being that and say, like, where do I have room to give a little here? Like, where can I let it get a uncomfortable? And I'm not saying put your your family or your child in harm, right? But like, maybe you don't let your child do sleepovers. Like maybe that's a thing for you. But maybe they could do one of those. I don't know if you've heard of these. I just recently had a fellow mom friend tell me about it. But like, like a stay late, right? So there was this girl who was having a sleepover party, but all of the parents were sleepover parents. And some of the girls hadn't had sleepovers yet. So they were scared. And so she said, and like the thing like where we're having a stay late party, too. So if your daughter doesn't want to sleep over, they can come and stay as late as they or you want. And then you can come pick them up. No, that's a great idea. Whether that's 10, 11 midnight, you know, like, I was like, oh, that's that's a great thing, right? Because they get to still have like most of the experience. Right. So like looking at how how where do you have places where you have a little bit of gift where you can say, what can we do to push the boundaries that will help prepare them more, put them in more situations where they get to see and experience the world and like sit back like I remember when my kids are very little, like the first time I sat at the park, and I didn't like actively play with them at the park was a big deal, right? Like, when I let them kind of totter on their own, right. And I just watched without having a lot of it. But so, yeah. I love that, you know, and ultimately, there's gonna be those stretch moments, right? Where maybe you say yes to the sleepover, but you have kind of that knot in your stomach where you're like, oh, I know this is the right thing. I know the child needs this experience, but I still can't help but, you know, have that big resistance and in your center, you know, and the one thing I would say to that, which was another note is, you know, sometimes all we have is as mothers is the ability to pray, put the put the guardian angels out for them, you know, put a bubble of energetic juju on them, you know, whatever your flavor is, right. But sometimes all we have, sometimes all we can do is pray, you know, for protection, for, you know, discernment, for a caring environment, for safety, for love, whatever, right. And then just allow the experience because if someone hadn't done that for us, think about the different adult we might be. Our parents gave us the gift of experience, allowed us to walk outside of the bubble that is our home when we were children so that we could have experiences so that we could build on those and become happy functioning adults, right. And not every experience was happy, certainly, right. That's life. But I think, I don't know, that's always, I guess it's always given me comfort when I knew I couldn't control it, at least I could pray over it, at least I could ask for guardian angel protection, at least, you know, again, whatever your particular, you know, vibe is. I don't know, that always just did my heart good, you know. And thankfully so far, knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood. My children are safe and have been safe and are well and continue to have interesting and dynamic lives. So I would encourage you, Mallory, to sometimes you have to just sort of move through the heart and say a prayer. Becky, any closing thoughts on that? Yeah, no, I think that you are completely right there. I have that like, say a little prayer for me in my head now. But I think that you're completely right. And like, here's the reality is we, you can be the parent who lets your kid everything, do everything, or you can be the helicopter parent. And what's going to happen when they're adults, no matter what, is they're still probably going to need therapy. So like, I mean, I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. Everyone should have therapy, whether you're an adult parent or not. Absolutely. And so like, if you're in a situation where you are maybe faced with one of the hard things, right, like, no matter what that is, right, like, it could be extreme bullying, it could be like, it could be anything, just knowing that asking for help and getting outside sources to like help support that is okay, because life is going to go on. Right? That sounds awful and horrible. And that's not how I mean it. But I just mean, like, the next day is going to come, right? And so the other thing that I think you're completely right there, Lacey, about like, just saying the prayer, and if something happens, then we teach our kids how to take the next step. Because that's really the biggest- Or learn from it, right? Yeah, that's really the biggest thing about, like, in my opinion, preparing them for the world. And this totally just came to me, but was really about like, how do we learn from it? And how do we move forward? Right? Because they're going to face big, big obstacles in their life, no matter what type of parent you are, they're going to. And they're going to face things that we probably can't even fathom, because technology and this and that, everything that's changing, just like we are facing things now that our parents wouldn't have thought of, right? We got to just teach them to take the next step and learn from it. Like you said, we get to learn from everything. We get to, we don't have to, we get to learn from everything. And so how do we keep going when something is a bump in the road, whether it's a little itty bitty bump or a great big crater? Absolutely. Well, Mallory, it's clear that you are a wonderful protector for your family, and we thank you for writing into us. And we so enjoyed this conversation. I hope it helped. Until next time!