The 'B' Word

Ever feel like you’re constantly juggling other people’s expectations, and your own needs are nowhere on the list? In this episode, we’re breaking down the B word—boundaries—and why it’s so hard for moms to set them. We’ll share real stories, practical tips, and the sometimes-hilarious chaos that comes when you start saying "No."

This is your permission slip to reclaim your time, energy, and sanity—one boundary at a time.

Listen now and start drawing the line you deserve!

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lacey@thisflockeduplife.com
becky@thisflockeduplife.com

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Transcript

0:06

Whether you're navigating the challenges of parenthood with a crying baby, a teenager, or anything in between, whether you have one child or a dozen, know this, we see you, we are you. We are modern moms and best friends with out-of-the-box kids, and we're here to cheer you on during this wild ride called motherhood. We show ourselves grace, build badass communities, and choose to embrace the chaos with love and humor. Welcome to This Flocked Up Life, because being a mom is messy, imperfect, and pretty flocking beautiful. Hey there, I hope you're having a beautiful day. I'm Lacey Burbick, and I'm here with my favorite Fleming gal, Becky Knorr. How are you, Becky? I am so happy to be here with you tonight, Lacey. I am excited about summer, and yeah, I just am, I'm feeling grateful and joyful. How are you today? Oh, I love it. Good vibes. I, you know what, I'm doing really, I'm doing really well. I'm feeling the summer vibes as well. My son finishes school this week and kind of in that final exam week, but he's got a, he's got good vibes going as well, feeling confident about his exam, so happy about that. I've been feeding my birds a lot and spending time just enjoying the theater that I've created in my own front and backyards, and what else? Yeah, just lots of events, lots of activity, lots of busy stuff going on, and I'm just, yeah, I'm ready for it. I might make a confession here and now that actually this summer might be the first summer that I can honestly say I'm looking forward to summer because, I mean, yeah, I'll take your applause. Yeah, summer, I think it was my least favorite time of year when my kids were growing up when they were younger. I really, honestly can say that I dreaded it. I don't think that's an overstatement. I really hated summer. I feel like there's probably a lot of people who would agree with you. Yeah, and now I guess at the age and stage they're at and the age and stage I'm at, I'm feeling positive, hopeful. Go ahead and find your cozy corner, grab your favorite drink, and let's hang out for a bit. Today, we're diving into boundaries because, let's be honest, we've all felt overwhelmed, resentful, and just plain exhausted from saying yes when we really wanted to say no. It's time to break down the B-word, set some healthy boundaries, and create a little more peace on this wild ride that we call motherhood. Ready to draw the line? Let's get into it. Whoa, the B-word. I've never heard it said quite like that, but that is so fun and so appropriate because it is sort of a dirty word for people who don't have good boundaries. It's a dirty word. Something you've got to work on, right? I don't know. Becky, I'd be interested in your perspective on this, but I feel like those of us who do have good boundaries or are working toward better boundaries, boundaries might be one of my favorite words, maybe my favorite B-word of all time. I think I am learning to embrace boundaries, but my favorite B-word of all time is Becky. Yes! I forgot about that. I forgot about that one. That tops my list, too. I was just being silly. But yeah, you know, Lacey, I would really like to start by like talking about what do we mean by boundaries? Sure. Right. And I didn't even have this written down, so it just came to me. Because I think for some people, this is... Okay, for me, this was not talked about growing up at all, right? Like, you know, I grew up in a very like do as we say, not as we do. Don't question your parents. Don't like, you know, toe the line kind of household. And I think that that's very true for a lot of people in our generation who did that. And now we're adults and we're like, whoa, wait a minute. Wait a minute. And so I just want to say like to whoever is listening, wherever you are with like with boundaries and learning about them and creating them and putting them into place and all of that, like there is no judgment. Some of us are really great at it. And some of us are learning to get better at it. Or we suck really bad. No, no. I don't want to say we suck. I think that I think that there's a lot of things that go into that. But I just I wanted to kind of give that disclaimer before we start, because I think, you know, I it's probably for me probably really been the last two or three years that I've really focused on my boundaries and drawing the line in the sand, so to say. And I don't know about you, Lacey, but like I think before I kind of heard people talk about it and I was like, oh, that's buzzy. That's a buzzy. Right, because I think that a lot of times we hear like the self-care things and they're coming up more and more and more because. We are still continuing to learn and grow as like a generation of adults. Right. Like we're learning and experiencing and healing and and that uncovers more and more things. And like there's just there's no shame. Like this is not about shame. It's about self-care. Yes, absolutely. I love that. You know, I think the busier we get, the more important boundaries become. Would you agree with that? Like I think as as as motherhood, you know, it progresses as our children become busier, as our, you know, work home life balance becomes more intense, more difficult to manage. You know, the boundaries become a really critical piece of that puzzle. And if we don't have good ones, you know, the result is suffering. Yeah, right. And and, you know, I wanted to I love what you shared. And I just want to I wanted to kind of expand on that a little bit that to to be clear about boundaries or at least my perspective on boundaries is that boundaries exist. All kinds of different boundaries exist, right? We have work boundaries. Those look different than boundaries. We hold with our children that, you know, boundaries with our parents look different than boundaries we might have with our spouse. Right. Even best friend relationships like Becky and I. There are boundaries. Sure. Right. And every healthy relationship has boundaries in my opinion. I agree. Like I have boundaries with my therapist. I have I have boundaries with my dogs. Right. Think about all the ways that boundaries show up in our life. And I just wanted to I just wanted to clarify that I think boundaries are not it's not one overarching blanket of of philosophy of how to live your life. It's there's a there's a great variety of opportunities to have boundaries in our life and all those different areas. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And, you know, I'll say one more thing while you before I toss it over, you share what you have on your mind. But, you know, boundaries are not an option. They're not an option, guys, ladies. It's not an option. And, you know, we can resist it all we want. But truth of the matter is life gets better when we have them. Yes. And you either have good ones or you have bad ones. You know, it's a kind of like a spectrum. Right. You're either you're either a nine point five or you're a zero point two. Right. But boundaries are not optional. So the question is how, you know, how how much thought energy consideration, you know, attention are you giving to those boundaries that are not an option to, you know, to get to a place where life works a little better? Yes. Because, like, let's talk about that for a minute. Because if if maybe you are not aware of the boundaries that you have or don't have, like good ones or bad ones, like you were saying, like, how do you feel at the end of the day? Like when you have those relationships where you come out of the conversation or out of an experience or out of a phone call, or if you see the ringer and it's somebody's name and you're like. There's like your green light, right? Like, how do you? Yes. How do you feel leaving that? And like, in my opinion, when we're talking about, like, learning to set those boundaries and stuff is like, well, what would make you feel differently? Mm hmm. Right. And that that is not an expectation necessarily of the person. Like, I think that's important to acknowledge, is that it's not like it's not an expectation of the other person. It's something for you. Right. So if you don't, if you're at work and you don't want to tolerate being talked to a certain way or like something is outside of your job scope, maybe, and you keep being asked to do it and you like you set the boundary, you say, like, I can't do this because this doesn't fall in my field of work. Right. That is not that is not like, oh, well, that means you have to do it. It just means, no, this is like, this is why I can't do that. Like, this doesn't this is not my job. Right. And maybe that's not a great example, but I think it's one that everybody can understand. Right. I think it I think it is a good example, Becky. And here's the thing that here's the trap I've fallen into before is that when I say those words and hold that boundary that, no, I can't do that because that's not in scope for my role or whatever the language is, I fall into the trap of I need to help you solve this problem. Now that I've said now that I've held my line, I get into the whole people. Please let me try to make this softer for you. Let me try to ease the discomfort of what I just said. Yes. Yes. I'm so glad you said that because I actually wrote down like for me as I'm learning more about my boundaries and I'm learning more about setting them and I am not doing the people pleasing thing, which really is just moving your boundaries back a little. Right. That's what happens when we do that. Right. Is like, oh, let me just adjust the line a little for you. But as I do that, I'm like, oh, man, more people think I'm just bitchy. Like that is the essence of like people are like, oh, she's crabby or she's, you know, this or she's or she's like, what if we just didn't do that? Like, and we just said, oh, okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Or like, I see that and I hear that and I'll find a different solution or like, if you can't be supportive of it, just don't say anything. Yes. Or what if the boundary holder could say to herself or himself, let them. Let them. My favorite phrase. Right. But let them think you're bitchy. Who cares? You held the line. That's important. That serves you. That's self-care for you. That's right. Who cares what they think? That's right. Because really, truly boundaries don't make you a bitch. Like they don't. Like this whole idea of like you have to give everything you have to everybody else is like, no. No. And you know what? Actually, the being a bitch allows the being a bitch in other people's opinion actually creates the space for you to be a better friend, a better employee, a better coworker, a better, more well-adjusted individual in their space with them. Yeah. Right. Like when you when you get trampled on all the time and you just take it and take it and take it, you become, you know, you become the angry person. You become you become what's the word? What's the word? I'm looking for here. You're the you're the person who's mad about everything. You know, you're the. Yeah. Gosh, what's the word? You're the you're the one who's who's just ready to bite everybody's head off because you're tired of being trampled on. Yeah. Right. Instead of instead of just saying, no, I'm going to hold this line. Think what you want. Yeah. And then I'm going to go over here and be a contributor in these other important aspects or ways. Yeah. Right. Good. Because I will say there is a difference between I'm not going to do this because this is what serves me and I'm not going to do this because I'm just not going to do this. Mm hmm. And I think that sometimes like both of those are like important and play a role. But like, you know, like I would just say tap into your ethics there and like whatever it is that or whoever it is that you're choosing to show up as in the world and does that align. Right. Sometimes we have to say no because we're tired, but then we're not saying no because we just don't want to do that. Like we're saying no because I have to pour into me so I could pour into other people. Well, there's a variety of reasons why we hold boundaries, right? I mean, I don't think we have enough time in this episode to cover all the ways and all the reasons why why we would hold a boundary. But but self-care, in my opinion, is valid. You know, in and so is that's not in the scope of whatever it is. Right. Totally valid. You know, we don't need to get too far into this. But, you know, I think there is a fine line between I just don't want to and this is an appropriate boundary. Yep. Right. That's sort of gray. That's sort of gray because there's a lot of things that, you know, that maybe I get asked to work that I'm like, nope, don't want to do it. Right. But the truth is, it's in scope. The truth is, it's maybe a new opportunity for me to set a new boundary around how that thing looks in my work life on my work plate, if you will. Right. But but I don't want to is not a boundary. Nope. Nope. Not real. Well, maybe maybe in your personal world, it could be if if done right. But at work, certainly not. Right. So right. I think. Yeah. I think I would say to that, too. Like if we actually say no to the places where we do have the set boundaries and stuff like that, that maybe we would feel less of. I don't want to because we would have the space for that. Mm. There you go. More space on our plate for new for new injects, new things that come. Yeah. That are in scope. Yeah. Great point. Great point. Flapper. You waiting for hit the follow button and become part of our growing flock because let's face it, it'll be fun and you're worth it. I have a question for you, Becky. And I asked this question of myself earlier as I was making notes. But on a scale of one to ten, how good are you at holding boundaries? There's no right answer here. I'm going to probably say a solid five. Five. Nice. Okay. How do you feel about that? Five. I feel like, oh, man, there's still a lot of work to be done. And but I like I think that there are places where I'm really, really good at it. Like I'm probably more of a eight or even a nine. And there are places where I probably have a much, much bigger deficit. And I am not as good at it. And let me rephrase that. I am getting better at it every day. And so I think, like, on average, I would say, yeah, I'm probably about a five. And you know what? I'm not going to beat myself up for that. I'm going to say, like, phew, because two years ago, Becky was probably at a one. So probably I think I'm pretty proud of five, actually. Yeah. Well, that's awesome. I think you should be proud of five. And you know what? Like I said a moment ago, there is no right answer here. But certainly it brings up a lot of things, just the contemplating what the answer is, what the number is. And for me, I think it's a seven for me. And I feel really good about that. I feel really good about that. And I also I had the moment of when seven came out, I was like, oh, really? Like, that seems pretty unlikable. Like, that seems like that would make me the bitch that no one wants to deal with. And I had that moment. And then I was like, no, stop that. This is a good thing. Because like you, Becky, two years ago, me. Oh, no. Yeah. I mean, so much. I had moments where I would get really intense and really gritty with someone trying to take advantage of me or, you know, something that I thought should have gone differently but didn't. Right? I would get really attached and really gritty and really clinched up and really angry and really like resistant to other people's behavior. And I would lay boundaries as a way to protect myself. Right? I would just drop those boundaries. Like, you're not doing this to me. I wouldn't call them boundaries there. I would be like, maybe bombs. Maybe bombs. Maybe like a fortress wall. No offense. But anyway. I don't mean that offensively. No, I don't take it offensively. But that's that was the energy of two years ago. Me that that I didn't have. I didn't have. I didn't even have decent boundaries. I was just throwing up walls left and right trying to dodge bullets. You know, it was it was not a fight or flight. It was fight or flight. Yeah, that's exactly what it was. Thank you. That's a great way to describe it. And and now I understand better who who I am authentically and I can pass everything that happens to me through the filter of does that feel aligned for me? So I'm passing it through the heart space. You've heard us talk about this a little bit more. Give you a little illustration headspace up here. Ego, thinking, mind, all the things, right? Heart space down here, right? And there's a difference between every situation. Your mind's going to receive it in process in a certain way. Your heart's going to receive it in process in a different way too. But we have to intentionally check out of here. Yeah, right. We have to check out of here, which I'm gesturing to my head for those watching us on YouTube. I'm gesturing to my head and I'm gesturing to my heart that that's an intentional decision, right? To to run something through that filter takes. Intent and when you pass it through that filter, all of a sudden you can ask questions like does this feel aligned for me? Yes, and and you actually will. I'm just going to say feel the answer, right? The answer will become clear and because that's where the truth lives. Yeah, and it will become clear faster. The more you do it. Like I mean really quick like yes. No, like yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And now now I've gotten I've I've I've become so practiced at doing that that I can literally not even pause to think because I've I understand I understand myself so much better than ever before that I can now say nope, like I don't even have to I don't even have to put it through the filter. I know that is not aligned for me. Yeah, right? Like I can just feel it when it's coming at me and say nope, that's not it. And boy, I am just who I feel so much better, right? So much lighter. Yes. I'm so glad you you brought up that like headspace heart space and the filter and all of that. I read a quote when I was doing a little bit of research about boundaries and stuff like that, which is I'm not I'm usually the one doing. I'm like Lacey is normally the one that is like and I'm like I'm going to I'm going to just I don't want to say wing it because I actually do put a lot of time into prep and stuff like that. But I don't know. I just felt called to do that, but I found a quote and it said what you tolerate reflects your standards and I was like, yeah, that hit hard, right? And and I think honestly, it hit harder for me for asked Becky, right? Like not necessarily sitting here Becky, not that today Becky can't learn from that too. But like and there was a lot that I tolerated when I I shouldn't have and and how much more peace I have now that I choose to no longer tolerate that. Yes. And and that is not not negative. So I want to give an example here because I think sometimes you know, I would hear about boundaries and if it like it is a line in the sand, but it's not a wall. It's not a brick wall. No, right? It's it's a thing. And so one of the things and I would say like, you know, there are different types of boundaries we talked about and I have some listed and we'll talk about those later. But this was more of a personal boundary for me because you know, little girl Becky tried really hard to make people lover for a lot of reasons and we're not going to get into that right now. But like I felt like I had to do whatever I could to make people love me because of that. I I let my boundaries fall right? Like I would just do and sometimes still do right? Like just whatever to to do that. And so like for me, I'm like, I never want my kids to feel like that. I never want my kids to feel like I have to do something for love. Like love is not it's not bought. It's not a transaction. It's it's just given right? And that's been really really important for me. But I've started like when our family is doing something whether it's birthday parties or if it's events or if it's like, hey, we just want to have a game night or we're going to do the neighborhood water balloon fight or whatever. That is when I talk to people about it. I'm like, there's no pressure if you can come great. We would love to have you and if you can't that's okay too, right? And by doing that I found like I get to set my expectations. Then it's not really about them. Like I really mean that there is no pressure. You do not have to come. You do not have to show up. There really truly is none. But by me stating that out loud, I'm setting that boundary for myself also because whether or not they come doesn't mean they love me or they don't or they love my kids or they don't right? Like that is one small example of how we've set. I've set boundaries in my life like and for me, that's a personal boundary. It's not really about the other person and I'm certain that there are people who hear me say that they're like out right like but let them. Yes, let them right. Like for me, it is better for me to say, hey, if you can come great, we want to have you if you can't that's okay. We totally understand like yeah, life is busy. Kids are busy. Families are busy. Like I get it like but we just like if you want to be here. Great. If not, okay, you know Becky, I think you touched on something even deeper than a boundary. It's almost like you're or almost or or deeper than an external boundary that you hold with someone else or in some container. I think what you're touching on is a is a a boundary like within your emotions that hey, I'm not going to allow myself to go spin out get upset go to anger go to fear go into a depressive state. Whatever. I'm not going to allow myself to get there because of someone else's behavior. This is a boundary. I'm holding for me within myself. And you know what? That's a boundary type that we didn't mention that I think that's super beautiful. And and yeah, I mean it's layered undoubtedly. Yeah, the building of healthy boundaries is layered. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Beautiful. I love that. You know, speaking of speaking of layers. I got a call from someone I love today asking for money. It wasn't me. No, it wasn't Becky. No, I do love her when it was not Becky. No, but and and and this person I love dearly and I I'm not going to say any names here, but it was a situation where the person had run into a money challenge and needed some money. Okay, so. Well, first of all big boundary right big big well-known boundary that you hear a lot about is not giving other people money right not loaning people money not you know, not not responding to need in a you know, in a fashion that enables XYZ behavior or whatever thing right? This is when you hear about well the the thing that came up for me when the question was being asked is the the difference between can you and will you yeah, so this addresses willingness and one of my favorite books if you're curious about willingness which that was never a topic or subject matter that I was interested in but this book blew my mind this particular chapter in this particular book. It's called on fuck yourself. It's a great. It's a great look. I don't remember the author's name right off hand, but unfuck yourself is a great book and there's a whole section on willingness and when I read that section I was like, oh my God like that just changed my whole world because kind of like kind of we were talking about kind of passing it through an internal filter. That's one of my internal filters is am I willing? Can I yes am I willing to now? What's the answer to that right? And that is for me a kind of a starting process of am I going to hold the boundary of I don't give you know, I don't help people out and they need money or am I going to you know jump in and do that and and I mean put whatever situation you want yeah insert whatever other situation you might have going on in your life, but contemplating willingness has been something that I've I've I've really enjoyed and I didn't realize quite how much it penetrated my everyday life until I read that book. I was like wow. Willingness like touches everything so and it's so integrated with boundaries, you know in in in all aspects of life. Yeah, I think what I love about that so much, especially in this topic is that it gives you the idea to revisit that boundary because sometimes we need to do that. Sometimes we need to revisit the boundary. I actually put like you can always resurvey because I was thinking about like boundary lines on your property survey, but like it allows you the opportunity to do that. So you know like because there may be situations where for instance if somebody came to you and said hey, I'm wondering if this like you are willing right because some of those things are situational. They're not it's not just set in stone and I love the willingness aspect because it allows you to resurvey your boundary and say like, okay. Can I guess or no? And then if I can am I willing yes, and and you know in this case I was I am willing I was willing and I am still willing right but but the fact that I got to ask myself that question is where is where the change has taken place and what we're what we're recommending for all you listeners out. There is just figuring out where to draw some lines and then evaluating, you know for for your own highest and best good and then resurveying regularly if need be. Hey, does that still serve me? Hey, is that still important to me? Yeah, right? Yeah. So I have a question for you now. Okay, you asked me a question. If you were talking to somebody who was just starting their boundary journey, how would you tell them to start? That's a really good one. I think I'm this is going to sound like a really simple answer but you know and I know that this is not a simple thing to do. I would I would encourage them to say no once a day. Yes. No more because because no is a complete sentence. Yes, very much. So here that everybody know is a complete sentence period. When when we practice saying no we get that we there there's a there's a resulting sensation in the body. That's like I am in control. I am the master of my own destiny. I am an autonomous bright engaging interesting human being with passions and desires and I don't have to fold to someone else's whim right learning learning to be in your power with no yeah is is what where I would recommend people start. I love that. I love that you said I don't have to be other people's whims and I would I would almost even say like I get to make the decision that's best for me. Yes. Oh, I have goosebumps like yes. Yeah, so I my my answer to this question was similar similar but I I actually said like your personal boundaries and I we talked about this briefly even before you came on but like how are you talking about yourself? How are you showing up for yourself? Right and that doesn't mean that everything is going to change overnight but similar to know I would say just pick one thing or maybe you even ask somebody to hold you accountable. Like hey, if you hear me say I'm a hot mess Express. I would like you to stop me and be like hey, don't talk about yourself like that. Right because those. Words have impact. Yes. They're they may not be able to break bones, but they can break hearts right who can constantly be doing that to yourself over and over and over and over again. And so like just yeah, I would just say like pick one thing one personal boundary, right? Mm-hmm. I'm not going to call myself stupid. Do you know how many people I hear call themselves stupid and I'm like, whoa knock that off. Yes. I don't talk about my friend like that. Like that's one of my favorite things that you say to me in our blessing of a friendship Becky. I've you've said that to me many times and I so appreciate that because it what it does is it yanks me right into the present moment and says wait a minute. You are a capable beautiful human being that is loved and seen. Yeah, stop it. Yeah, I should make a sticker. Yes, you should. Maybe I will. Don't talk about my friend like that. Yes, you should. Yeah, I yeah, I think that's that's what I would say to that. So like yeah, I think the other thing too and along with that and Lacey you said this earlier but like, you know the language that we use and you guys hear us talk about this all the time. I feel like some things we say over and over and over every episode. I bet we could count them but like language that we use is so so so powerful, right? So if you say like I'm a hot mess express or I'm this or I'm that or all of that like like it's powerful and you said earlier Lacey and I wrote it down was I'm becoming yes, I'm becoming so who do we choose to be and then claiming that instead so I am becoming somebody who's better at saying no, right? Like that's just an example, right? But like or I am becoming someone who is more organized or like whatever it is that you continue to beat the crap out of yourself for because we all do it. Yeah, like what if what if instead you just change that to I am becoming and then like you gave yourself the grace to learn. Yes, I love that so much. I actually learned that I learned that from a teacher at a sort of metaphysical retreat. I guess you might say I went to back in like 2017 and he actually used the context of he used the context of of of physical ailments and he and he used that phrase of I am becoming cancer-free. I am becoming the well the the most well most whole version of me. I like and it was all about it was all about basically speaking speaking positive energy back into yourself right back into your pumping it back into your own soul to your own being and and and that that is, you know, I mean it's it's a form of energetic medicine whether or not you're into metaphysical things is neither here nor there but it is words have power power the time baby when we tell our subconscious minds that we are becoming something they it says yes and what else right? If you say I am a hot mess Express. It says yes, and what else right? Like it can only say yes. Yep. Can't disagree with you. You know, it can't affect your free will you have to say you have to pour into your own experience. Mm-hmm. Yes in and I yeah, that's such that I mean that was that was such why such wisdom such wise words that that I've I've not forgotten and I forget a lot of things and I haven't forgotten that. So I did I had a I had a funny moment. I wanted to share Becky lighten it up a little bit here and then I have some to I have another tip that I that I'm excited to share but I wanted to say as I was writing notes today, it came up that I have great boundaries with my phone and I was like, no, we're like it took me a minute to process like what is that me? And then I looked at my phone and for those of you watching us on YouTube, you're going to laugh at this. So do you see the little do you see? Oh my gosh. I cannot turn it off. I'm freaking backing out over here, but I'm sharing this because I do not I have a boundary with not spending too much time with my phone and therefore I have lots of little red bubbles. My husband calls them pimples. He thinks they're like red phone pimples. Isn't that funny? And he and he it drives him absolutely bananas that I don't clear the the notifications on my phone and it doesn't bother me at all. And here's the thing. It's a it's reflective of my boundary. I don't I don't I want to be present. I don't want to spend all my time staring at my phone. I don't want to get a neck hump because I'm constantly slumped over like this looking at my phone, you know it for me. It's it's not a priority and it's something I have told myself. No, like I love that. Don't feel bad about that. Don't let that call you away from the present moment. That's a that's a hard no for me. Yeah, and it you know, it upsets other people, but it doesn't upset me. Well, and I like so I'm going to echo this because I actually have set boundaries on my phone. I have a hard time with the little red dot, right? That is that is recovering Becky, but because I know I did that I went in and I like I turned off notification. Yeah, like I don't get notifications for emails at all. So you don't see a little red dot on my email. Now. My personal email has far more emails than anybody wants to see. But do you know what if I need to find something even now I will just go in and I will search for what I need to find. I don't scroll through them. I don't because like how much junk mail do you get right? Oh, yeah, and I've had this email address for like 15 years. So it's a lot of junk mail, right? And I just don't do that. Now work. Becky very different Boundary, right? Yeah. Work. Becky keeps her email box. Yes, very clean work. Becky responds to messages right away, right? Like but like everyday living life. Becky is like, oh the text message can wait. Yes, the email doesn't have to bother me like I'm going to I just turned off. So if the little red pimple bothers you, right? Like there are tools that you can do to help you like. To cover that right? Like yes, and it's okay to say that doesn't get my attention. That isn't that isn't moving me out of the present moment. I am in it's not it's not that important. It's really not. Yeah, I'm not in and like you Becky. My work inbox is clean as a whistle. There's not a single thing waiting. I am like the most orderly person at work. You can imagine but I'm I'm a planner for a living. Okay, that's what I do. So but I I don't like this just when I'm at home in my personal time in my personal space, it is not aligned for me to sit and spend time cleaning up a bunch of garbage. Yeah, I just don't do it. Yeah, I love that. I love my husband does not love that. Well shout out husband. Sorry, sorry, you know, there's got to be at least one thing that makes you bananas about me. So I guess right one guess. That's it. The one last thing I want to share back to you is I wrote put tools in place to help you hold boundaries better tools in place. So by that I mean maybe you have someone who calls you all the time and vomits a bunch of negativity and you're like, oh, I just can't stand this and it's and it's a problem that affects your energy. Okay, try texting versus talking on the phone. Yeah, you know, these are all just suggestions. Okay, but like practice make practice scripts. I wrote down what I mean by that is if you have a hard time telling someone know or if you have a hard time expressing something that's important to you that's related to a boundary write it down and rehearse it in the mirror. I'm sorry. I can't because yes, this doesn't work for me because no. Yeah, right practice those things in the mirror so that you're really comfortable with them so that when the time comes that the thing needs to be addressed you're ready to bust it out and it feels natural for you. Right and the language is natural and you have everything going for you to be able to hold that line sounds a little funny to be like rehearse it but that's that's that's honestly what I'm recommending involve friends and family for support what I mean here is is be like bring people in and be like I need you to help. I need you to see me help me stay accountable to this boundary and ask for ask for accountability. You've heard accountability partners. That's a thing ask for it. Yes, I need you know in and you don't have to explain too much about it. If you hear me say this I need you to or if you see me in this scenario, you know falling down from not showing up for myself. Hold me accountable pull me aside touch my hand whatever some people have it like like I have this thing with my husband where when I am going off the rails or you know, having a perimenopausal moment or something full moon energy as Becky likes to say, but if I'm if I'm going there, he will he will he will touch my hand like this like he'll move in pretty close not too close because I might bite but he you know, he'll move in close and I'll put his hand over my hand and and that's that's a sign that's a signal for us that he sees that he sees me and is willing to like be there and hold space for the moment, right? Sometimes it's accountability. Sometimes it's whatever sometimes it's raw emotion. Sometimes it's support. Sometimes it's backup right? Sometimes sometimes it's it's alignment as parents, you know parenting our son or whatever it it looks it looks like it shows up in a lot of different ways, but it's accountability the end of the day. Yeah, and I've asked for that. Yeah. Well and like can we just say that like if you're a good friend or a good partner of any kind whether that's on a friendship or a relationship or a work ship or whatever that is that like if you know people have boundaries and like that's something that you've talked about that like helping them to stay accountable to that makes you a better partner. Mm-hmm. Yes, right like and I bring that up. Lacey you and I have talked about some things like in our personal lives and stuff like that and boundaries and saying no and you said to me a couple weeks ago you were like so this situation happened and I heard you in my head saying just say no. Yep, just say no, right? So like because sometimes we need to not hear our voice. So when you're listening about a situation or about that and like you're like, well, this is how you could have helped support your boundary. I don't think we do that with shame, but just like just remember remember that you can say no you do not have to say yes, it doesn't matter who they are that you are you can say no right because yes in the moment that person's voice may be who you hear reminding you to say no because you can't hear your own yet. Yes. Oh beautiful and you know, that was the exact experience. We had Becky is you held that space and you said I I hear you and I see you and it's okay to say no if you need my permission and you don't right. I'm telling you guys that those exact words. You did. It's okay to say no and you know it that is what I needed to release my inner knowing which was that it is it is a no right but like that helped bring out my answer. Yeah, and it was the truth, but I it it wasn't coming out. For whatever reason, you know things get blocked, right? I mean for all kinds of reasons for humans. Yeah, for sure. You know, I wanted to share really quick a work scenario to because I think I think boundaries are a problem in a lot of workplaces. I mean, certainly it is in our personal realms as well. But for I think work it this shows up a lot at work for a lot of for a lot of us one thing that that has that I've noticed at work. That was a really subtle change that I I'm not necessarily suggesting everyone go and do this. Okay, so just PSA take this with a grain of salt, but one thing I have a lot of visitors if you will in my to my office and sometimes when I'm in deep work, I will I will push the door mostly closed not entirely closed but mostly closed and that for me is it's a way of of blocking energetic connections that are moving through right like like if there's somebody milling around the office or moving through or somebody comes in or somebody goes out like for me that is a for me. That's a boundary of Lacey doesn't want to in Lacey's energy is not leaving this room. Yeah, right like that like we're staying in here and not that people can't approach knock whatever but like it's it's a it's just an invisible line in the sand for me that says yeah, I'm at this is this is mine right now like yeah, finding my bubble right I've also seen I've seen someone at a at a different office that I visited actually move their move the excess chairs out of their office space because they had too many people like coming in and visiting with them like too much like talking like social hour stuff and I'm like that when at first I was like I was like well, that's kind of anti-social then I was like no wait a minute actually what that is is a good boundary that you're saying this is my work space and if I'm going to socialize I'm going to go somewhere else and do it. Yeah, and I don't want that noise. Yes, you know in my space or whatever. I mean, those are just two examples right offhand that came up about work, but I think it's it's a lot harder to hold up. It's a lot harder to hold up personal boundaries at work. Don't you think Becky like I do yeah, like if like yeah, if you like you feel a certain way about yourself and what you're willing to tolerate or what is aligned for you and it's really difficult to take those same boundaries and apply them in a in a work setting. So I don't know if you have any have any good tips for that or not. I'm I think that's a hard one. You know, here's what I'll say is I'll say that like sometimes you just celebrate the wins. So, you know, I like I think that like that can happen. So sometimes you have to just say here's my flag, right? Like and maybe that looks like conceit sometimes. Maybe that looks like you're being a bitch sometimes. Maybe that looks like, you know, whatever that is, but like, okay, like here's my flag, but sometimes saying the flag and then letting it go, right? Like here's my flag and let it go. And then then sometimes that allows you to come back to it differently later, right? And I'm not saying with a different boundary, but I'm saying like, you know, at least I was sharing with you earlier in experience that I had where I was in a conversation about something and like, I want to be clear that in hindsight, I can see that I was probably not explaining things. Well, and I was right like in hindsight, I can see that in the moment. I couldn't see that right, but I had to just be like, okay. Okay, and then I was able to come back to the conversation later and what to two years ago Becky would have felt like that. Okay, that convert like I will I wouldn't have said, okay, right? I would have either folded like completely right instead of presenting it in a way where I was like, okay, I I this is not done necessarily, but I recognize that we have to stop right now, right? And then being able to come back to it later and being able to come back to it later actually ended up being a highlight of my day. Hmm, right? Because I could come to it and say, okay, now I'm out of the emotion of it. Now I'm out of all of that with it. I I set it down. I didn't leave it. I didn't abandon it, right? I left it at the door. So I can come back. Yeah, I could come back and pick it up if I wanted to write and then I had perspective and shift that I didn't have before and so I would just say like if you feel like that then maybe that was a weird way of explaining that but like trust your highest self trust your heart. Like like if you're really getting all of those feelings, it's for a purpose, right? And I've I have a really dear friend who you know, the last several times I've talked to them. They are like this this job is sucking my soul and I'm like then you need something else like if you truly are like it is sucking the soul out of me. You need something else. Yeah time to move on. Yeah, and that's like that's beyond like just setting a boundary, right? Like that's that's first aid. That's like a lifestyle change. I mean, that's yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. Wow. Yeah, I want to just share one more thing Becky and I think we can wrap it up as I've started having what I'm going to call spontaneous truth moments that I think are are in related to boundaries though. Like like the other day there was a big argument how there was a you know, an argument happening in my house. Nothing too intense but an argument amongst my husband and my son and I was and I was sort of in disagreement with one of the players and I walked into the kitchen and I said this is not okay with me like dead serious straight face like and it just came out. I didn't plan to say it. I walked up and I said this is not okay with me. And they both looked at me with their eyes really wide and they just went silent and I was like, okay then. And I walked on out. I know I'm not sharing this because like that was so cool and I'm a badass and I made everybody shut up. It wasn't about that. It was like I it was a pro. It was a profound truth moment. I was like boom. There it is. This is not okay with me. Well, and I want to recognize your boundary drawn boundary drawn line of sand. No. Yeah, and let's recognize your growth in that Lacey. I have had the great joy of watching you grow a lot over the last several years as you have had the great joy of watching me grow a lot. So that is not that's not anything but like space and love for anybody listening, right? Like this is not that but like two years ago Lacey would have not said anything probably would have mauled on it all day long. Oh, yeah, right and it would have changed the atmosphere of the entire home for the day. Yep, or longer or longer. Yeah, like so like way to freaking go man. That's why you're a seven. I'm a seven. Well, I just you know, I don't know why but I think I'm a well y'all probably figured this out by now, but I'm a strong personality. So I think maybe boundaries come a little bit naturally to stronger personalities. I'm just guessing but yeah, it's it's certainly it's kind of fun. I got I got to be honest. It's a little bit intoxicating once you do it a few times. You're like feel like you're like building a magic wand like look I can control I can control my reality, you know, and the truth is you can that's the truth, you know, but it takes work and commitment and you know, and you've you are the only one who can do that work. Yes, you can have support of your accountability team or whatever else but you can but ultimately it's you are the one who upholds or chooses not to uphold your boundaries. Yes, I love that. I have just one more thing that I really will stop. I promise I found a quote quote and I sent it to a friend today and we actually made a phone screen cover based on it. So maybe I'll post it on our social for people to use but it is really like the analogy that kept coming up to me and we are thinking about boundaries was land like like truly that's where it came from and it's about like protecting and growing your crops like your gifts your self-peace your self-care like really nurturing the land that you live on and and so this quote I promise it's coming around this quote was you don't have to be everybody's cup of tea be the gasoline set shit on fire and I first of all, I just laughed so hard because I was like, oh my gosh, that's so funny, right but like it's so true and sometimes now I think that this is more true probably with our personal boundaries than our work boundaries and let's not actually set shit on fire. So like there's the disclaimer, okay, but we are not responsible of you session or not. No, no, we are not actually advising that but and it's we made it so pretty so I'm going to pull it up so you guys can see it and like it's like this really there's a flower behind it the really pretty like scripty font and she immediately made it her phone cover. So shout out to our friend who I'm not going to name drop just for her own benefit, but she knows who she is and we love you but like the where that came back to land to me is I grew up on a farm and we were self-sustaining and there were a lot of things that we did and one of the things that we would do is every three years the fields got burned like and we would rotate so it wasn't always the same field but you do that to like put the nutrients back in right and so we talked a lot about how boundaries are not always like the hard line. They're not that they're not the wall. They're not that but sometimes they are right and I just I want whoever needs to hear this say like you have permission not that you need it and that's one of those things that I say for boundaries because I want your internal self to know you don't need my permission to be great to be awesome to be wonderful to like to do that but not that you need permission for this but you have permission to be the gasoline if you need to right it doesn't matter who that relationship might be with it can be with a person who's been your friend for your whole life it could be with with your parents with your parents with a partner who maybe needs to not be your partner anymore right like it can be with a child it can be whatever that is but sometimes we have to set the firm boundaries and the whole reason that like I think it's so important to work on the ones that aren't as big and aren't as deep and are not the gasoline is because it makes the gasoline feel easier when you have to do that and I promise you that is speaking from experience that is my very truth of like man you can show up in love and love them enough to say I cannot tolerate that because by letting them walk all over your boundaries you're not loving yourself and you're not loving them and the only way that we get better at something is by practicing it so practice the small things so that way when the big things come you're ready for them. Becky wow well I think that about sums it up thank you thanks for being with us beautiful Becky love you till next time.